Charade of my Heart

The only way to see again is to let love in....

2011-10-22T01:24:00.006-05:00

My life boils down to just a couple activities of late... working 60+ hour weeks and trying to ensure my free time is spent partying harder than I work. I also care for kittens, pay outrageous bills, do my lame work out to a dvd, as well as consume unhealthy amounts of caffeine.

Oh, and I try to find time for my boyfriend, too.

But let's be real. All of those aforementioned menial other things come second, third, and fifteenth to my number one priority: falling in love with Kyle.

Being with a man who wants to be with me, as much as I do with him, is overwhelming.

No half-assed attempts at dates. No desire to hide the attraction from the world. A man who watches out for his girlfriend when she drinks a bit too much or when she needs a ride to the doctor. Hell, he even sits with her through her biggest tantrums, scares, and tears. And he passed the meeting-the-family test, then mastered the eating-dinner-with-her-family tradition, despite pessimism and judgement.

I am crazy about this fun-loving, challenging, affectionate, radio-voiced, recently-no-longer-shaggy-haired guy.

And in all honesty, I'm crazy in love with him, too.

"Why don't you slide..."

2011-03-06T19:14:00.001-06:00

Oh, you make me smile.

Monday Optimism

2011-02-28T23:46:00.005-06:00

{Mistakes too hurt to forgive}
{Apologies accepted and bent}
{Day of energy and distraction}
{Frozen coffee after only thirty minutes of barista harassment}
{Impromptu coffee date}
{Followed by planned coffee date}
{Whole Foods exploration and search for corn-syrup-free gummies}
{Directionless wandering}
{Driving to nowhere}
{Temptation fought and resisted}
{Mistakes aftermath a hint into reality}
{Shaken but not defeated}
{Comfort and love}

The belief that {it will all be okay}.

Pills like whoa.

2011-02-19T23:16:00.006-06:00

Things change. Life happens. People screw up. This shouldn't be news to anyone.

So roll with it. Deal with problems as they arise. Let go of grudges and past differences. Don't insist on clinging to hurts or regrets. It's not worth it, and you can't go back and change what happened.

Make things better. Love a little harder. Hug everyone, and when you do, hold them a little longer. Kiss the ones you love -- I do. Take a chance. Jump at any opportunity to take a road trip. To travel to another country. To learn a new language. To go on a run through the park on an especially warm day in February. Light candles. All. The. Time. Wear more dresses. Drink coffee. Real coffee. Not that crap decaf stuff. Blow bubbles on a hill. Stargaze. Buy flowers for someone you love. Even if they're a guy. Guys like flowers too. Not quite like girls, but a few of them can appreciate them. Play more scrabble. And while you're at it -- eat some ice cream. Lots of it. One can never eat too much ice cream.

Take pictures. Of everything. Even the dumb or boring stuff. Pictures last a long time, and memories fade.

I'm not gonna lie: the cynic in me is watching the me that is writing this, and cynic me is making fun of it. These pills are trippin' me up in a bad way. Idealist? Ha. Optimist? Ish. Unusually good mood today? Yeah, I don't get it either. Don't question it, you'll make it disappear.

Peace out.

Panda love

2011-02-16T00:39:00.003-06:00

This right here?

This is what's making me happy at this exact moment.
A constant reminder of love from one of the few I treasure most in this life.

<3

Thursday a.m. thoughts, interrupted.

2011-02-13T20:44:00.003-06:00

"When I woke up this morning, I lay in bed calculating the amount of sleep i'd managed, slightly disappointed when I concluded it was five hours - an entire four hours short of what I had blocked out for my night.

Briefly, memories of recent events tripped their way through my mind, pausing just long enough to take a stab at my heart.

Sitting up quickly, blood rushing to my head, I heard my feet hit the floor before I felt the sensation in my feet. I took quick inventory of the messy room in which I stood, surveying the clothes I had set out the night before. I was more than slightly disappointed with myself for expecting the desire to have a slouchy Thursday. Stepping over piles of clothing, shoes, and unused textboks, I headed for the closet, disregarding the sweatpants and hoodie waiting for me at the foot of my bed.

Wearing a dress in weather this chilly defies all logic, but I can't say I care. I had put off my desire long enough, and now I was going to do what I wanted. My mom was less than impressed with my decision making skills, but all things considered, what did she expect, really?"

That was the perfect dress for the day, really. I received more compliments than expected - most likely because people are so sick of the snow, and dresses are a pleasant reminder that warmth and better days are ahead. It cheered me up, as did a pre-work coffee date with a much loved friend.

Here's to hoping this next week displays a change in my health.

It's so wretchedly, wretchedly death week.

2010-12-10T02:32:00.002-06:00

Dead week? Right. That would NOT be the week before finals. Not for hardly anyone. Death week is more like it. See if you can stay alive long enough to make it to finals. If not? No great loss. At least now you won't be dreaming of equations and functions of miscellaneous muscles. If you indeed make it to the end of the tunnel and escape to the weekend with none or limited damaged to your psyche, then I applaud you.

In less than 12 hours, I too will be at the end of that tiny, dark, square shaped tunnel. I think it's about 9 hours to be exact, when I will triumphantly march into Justin 119, hand my teacher my paper, sign a sheet for attendance, and waltz out, never to see aforementioned teacher again!

That is, if I ever finish the paper. Don't look at me like that. It wasn't procrastination, I swear. I started reading the book for this paper over a week ago, and ordered it the day the paper was assigned. It's not that I put it off all week. It's just that I didn't have time. Like I said... death week. All the teachers realize they've forgotten how much they have left for us to do and assign it all at once, mere days before it's due, causing sleep-deprived, christmas-obsessed, caffeine addicts to kick into study overdrive. I swear, it's almost worse than finals week. At least then most of your finals are separated by a day or two, providing huge opportunity for information download.

But, so, yeah, about this paper. It's a book report, so I can't exactly B.S. the entire thing, not like I did for my LAST psychology paper. That thing was 92.7% fiction. But hey, I got a 99 on it. This paper is WAY more complicated than whining about my childhood dreams and disappointments. A BOOK report? Seriously. Not only that, but it's on the book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Okay, okay, I know this is a legit book, because my mom has at least one copy of it at home and has probably read it about nine times, cause she seems to be kinda an expert on it.

One thing I gotta say about this guy though... way to not appeal to the masses. No, I'm not married, I just want to know what my freaking love language is. But is there a quiz for that? Noooooo. Only for those with "partners". I'm not in love, geez, I'm in college, give me a break. Jerk.

All that to say, I haven't made much progress on my paper. Almost one page out of five? Check. And I really need some chocolate. That's all I can think about but do we have ANY in this room full of crap? No. Not a single piece, though we have countless (and by that I mean a few hundred) life savers. Oh, and the 8 packs of gum I bought because they came in bulk and at the time I thought it was exciting.

Thus, I am reduced to drinking hot water cocoa and eating Melba Toast. Tasty? Only averagely (um, word?). Crunchy? Yes. Satisfying my chocolate craving? Negative.

Alright, enough of this. I'm off to write another five pages about ooey-gooey feelings and hugs. But before I depart, one final thought.

Quote of the week... quite possibly of the month: "Leggings are NOT pants. If you're that comfortable with your body, why are you even wearing clothes?" BOOM, roasted. (Let me clarify - leggings are perfectly acceptable clothing items to be worn UNDER other things, not as a substitute for pants. Ew. Let's not even go there. However, under a skirt, dress, or ...nope, that's really about it... they can be tolerated and even appreciated).

Goodnight, San Fransisco.

"On a scale of 1 to 12... how do you feel?" "Ummmmmm. Cucumber."

2010-11-30T23:43:00.007-06:00

Sometimes, the best answers are those not thought through but, rather, spit out as a knee-jerk reaction. However, as one consistently over-thinking actions, motives, and words of others, I'm not sure I'm the best judge.

Speaking of procrastination... While tagging countless photos of myself and others on facebook has a certain appeal, I have given that up for online window shopping. I don't actually purchase anything, because I think it's ignorant to buy things before trying them on, but I like to look, and I like to pretend that I have endless amounts of money, because if I did, I would buy about three hundred of these dresses, without trying any of them on:

http://www.modcloth.com/store/ModCloth/Womens/Dresses

In other news, today is the beginning of a new thing. It's KIND of a big deal. It's basically a marathon. But not really. More of a figurative whatever. But, yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though - unless you're one of two people, it really won't affect your life in the slightest. And I know you're not one of those two people, because I'm one of them.

Sam and I went to the rec uber late tonight. I think I could work out ALL the time, because it's really not that bad, I just need someone to make me get off my butt and across campus. So thanks for that, Sam. I owe you for my endorphin kick.

Goodbye, November. I'm not sorry to see you go. You've been cold, heartless, and full of some miserable experiences.

Only 25 more days until Christmas. :)

"Fragile leaves hit the ground..."

2010-11-17T00:31:00.003-06:00

Dear you,

I've come to a conclusion. Cold, empty hearts can't be broken. Only those overwhelmed with love can hurt in a way that cracks deep into one's core. I sometimes wish I was numb to others, because it's easier to not care.

But I do. I care and I love. And sometimes, that love makes my whole world hurt because I can't fix problems, I can't heal pain, I'm not a comforter, and I am overall a terrible friend a good deal of the time.

But I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I can't say it enough, because I mean it so honestly. I wish it were evident how much of my affection your friendship holds.

Despite my actions; despite angry and hateful words... I can't stop loving you, and I can't quit you cold turkey. Not for much longer than a day or two. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I'm so easily roused; so eager to jump into a fight on your behalf that I lose sight of what's right and wrong. I'm sorry for all the times I've quit, giving up on you and attempting to leave everything behind.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me? I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love,
Me

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2010-11-02T12:01:00.004-05:00

Today is not a good Tuesday.
I am not an angry person. I do not get angry.
Certain things annoy me or frustrate me, but most things do not make me angry.

Today, I am angry.

My warranty with HP is about to expire, and I've spent five hours on the phone with Tech Support in the last week, trying to get them to send me a box so I can mail my computer to them. After talking to four people, I finally got the confirmation that they would send the box to my dorm room. One week later, and I still haven't received the box I was supposed to get two days after the phone call. After checking the online status, I see that yes, they have delivered my box. To my address in Leawood, Kansas. One more hour, and a fifth person, and I got another confirmation that a second box would be sent to my dorm address. Not to be racist, but I would like to point out that this was the first individual I spoke to who did NOT have a heavy accent near undecipherable. How many times do I really need to say, "NO, my shipping address is NOT the same as my billing address." These people are trained to do this a hundred times a day. How can they still be so ignorant?

The last two weeks I've also had to tackle the admissions office here at Kstate. Why? Because they keep emailing me to tell me that they don't have my transcripts from OCCC. The week before school started this fall, they sent me an email and I called them about it. I asked what transcript they needed and they said, "Oh, no, I don't know why that got sent to you... I'm looking at your OCCC transcript right now. Weird. Yeah, don't worry about it." Okay. I'm good at not worrying about things. But lo and behold: two weeks before enrollment, they need my transcript from OCCC. Thus, another email. I had an extra transcript on hand (because I'm prepared for emergencies like this) and mailed it in ASAP. Finally, that's taken care of, for sure. But NO! Today I check my enrollment status (because tomorrow enrollment opens for me) and see that my hold has not yet been lifted because they don't have my transcript from OCCC.

I also don't cuss, ever, but very bad, very angry words went through my head when I saw this. I may or may not have thrown something across the room in a fit of childish rage.

So I call them. Did they receive my transcript two weeks ago? Yes, they did. But they haven't entered it into the computer yet, so my hold is still there. "....so.... since you know it's there, can you lift my hold so I can enroll tomorrow?" Of course not. Silly me for asking. I have to wait (at least) two days for them to enter and confirm it and all sorts of nonsense like that. At my groan of dismay, she notes that I "probably should have taken care of this sooner". I hung up on her.

Tuesdays are usually my good day. Why must this one be so crappy?
I would love to go take a nap, but of course my roommate and her boyfriend are taking a nap, so if you'll excuse me, I've got some noise to make.

"Happy to lay here, just happy to be here, I'm happy to know you."

2010-10-23T03:00:00.000-05:00

Friday deserted me a bit ago, giving way to the "official" weekend. Though I can hardly blame it for doing so, considering I began my morning with a great deal of hatred aimed towards the day. But three hours of restless sleep can do that to a person, or so I've heard.

Time in class creeping purposefully slowly. Online homework. Sacrifice of a nap for the process of curled hair. A short drive.

Only two out of three hours of Vanity. No sales, no customer service. Ink-tagging countless winter wear and accessories. Hangers, hangers, hangers. Sent home early due to an over-eager arrival. Acquired last minute needs.

Walmart. Candy corn pumpkins.

Brief intermediate. Drive to the church with Justine and Shiloh. Balloons, bicycles, and carpooling. Out to nowhere, to a pit, slowly built by all the men. Softly music. Bonfire high. Two swedes and an aussie. Cut short by rainclouds letting loose on the gathering. Twelve huddled under an umbrella with seven left at the fire? Hello, memories.

Return. Soaked through. My clothes smell like wood smoke. So good.

Quick change, then with my Sarah to Putnam for a movie night, interrupted by a toga-clad resident of P2, stalled by trivial pursuit, and finished no earlier than 220am.

Oh, and a surprise phone call from a special someone...SEVEN days. <3.

Agenda for weekend: SLEEP. Last 3 hours at Vanity. Studying for my Chem Lab test. Genogram creation. Vintage Faith. Hardcore Biology studying. Running.

Happy weekend, world.

"I never smoked me no cigarettes and I never drank much booze."

2010-10-15T01:03:00.003-05:00

>Is it possible to overdose on school? I believe it is. Staying up until 230am every night this week, in combination with getting up at 630 every morning this week, has resulted in an addiction to instant coffee and left me with an energy level of about zip.

My roommate is going to find me like this one morning, I just know it >>

Challenge tonight was good, though discouraging at the same time. Too much complexity there for tonight.

Sigh. I haven't even finished my Biology homework/reading/pre-lab/quiz for tomorrow morning. Genetics and phenotypes are kicking my butt. 3 classes, 3 online quizzes due before 5pm, and one paper due by the end of tomorrow. Plus a Biology review session and a good hour or so in the Chem Help room. I will actually be able to make it (hopefully) to my life group meeting tomorrow night, providing I haven't died. Then before Monday, only 3 hours of work, date night, and indefinite amounts of studying for my Biology and Chemistry tests. Oh yes, and another project/paper due. As soon as Monday night ends, I can begin my Genogram project and paper while I study for my Chem Lab test that is NEXT Monday.

God willing, Marion will save me from myself on her birthday weekend. Just in time for another 5 tests before Thanksgiving.

That's right - I have EIGHT tests in the next 5 weeks. This doesn't even include the bi-weekly(that's right, 2 a WEEK, not 2 a month...) Biology quizzes, weekly Chem quizzes, weekly Chem homework, weekly HMD quizzes, or weekly FSHS quizzes.
But after Thanksgiving, that's when it gets easy, because I'll have two weeks before finals week to take 3 tests (and all aforementioned weekly assignments), THEN study for finals and take 4 finals the following week.

And I'm not even taking Human Body yet.

p.s. Yes, I am asking for these signs for Christmas, as I feel they will be incredibly relevant to my life in the next 3 years.

>> Only 14 more tests before Christmas <<.

"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand."

2010-10-06T00:35:00.001-05:00

I made a few commitments to myself prior to the beginning of this week, including not eating sugar, drinking something other than diet dr. pepper, and refraining from excessive, impulsive blogging.

Yet here I sit, eating candy corn and posting for a third time in less than a week. I have not, however, consumed any carbonated beverages since Sunday evening, so I have at least kept the second of my promises to myself.

I feel I have legitimate reasoning behind my third commitment (sadly, there is no excuse for my addiction to the colorful little triangles). You see, Thursday night is our home game against Nebraska State (boooooo!). No, that is not the reason for my blogging. Because of said football game, Christian Challenge was moved from Thursday night to Tuesday night. Usually, by the time Thursday evening rolls around, I'm either scheduled to work, have a study group project, or am so backed up on studying and homework that I simply do NOT have time to walk across campus and learn about God.

Shame on me, I know. Trust me, I KNOW.

But Tuesdays are my slow, easy day. They're the day I use for an extra hour nap after class, a relaxing morning cleaning/showering/laundering, and then 6-9 hours of studying/homework at the coffee shop of my choosing. So really, by the time 8pm rolled around, I was pumped and ready for Challenge, especially since I hadn't been in at least three weeks. A smaller crowd than usual, due to the temporary location off campus.

I left that room an hour and a half later with no make-up left on my face (one day I will remember water-proof mascara) and muchly encouraged.

"Worship is offering all of who we are in front of all of who God is."

It was mostly all good. But these are the main points I took away:
-Don't live out of your past experiences, but live out the calling God has given you.
-God is always faithful and will keep His promises, no matter how badly I screw up.

Wrap up was... painful. In a good way, I suppose. One at a time, individuals in the crowd went up on stage holding a sign with their past experiences/labels. One man had "Worthless" written on his. One of the girls had "Anorexic" written; another had "Suicidal"; still another wrote "Independent and Self-reliant". "Orphaned", "Alone", "Depressed", and "Identity in relationships/self" also appeared. It's one thing to think "Everyone has their story, everyone has some form of pain in their past, and each person has a struggle".

It's a completely different thing to see each person's pain, publicly announced and visible to the eyes and judgement of all. Raw emotion on each face reflecting the feeling behind the words. Then, slowly, each face turning to joy amid tears as corresponding signs flipped to show the opposite side. "Identity in relationships/self" changed to "Identity in Christ", "Suicidal" to "Living with purpose", and "Worthless" to "Redeemed and Made New".

I'm not even sure how to express the emotions I felt tonight. But tonight hit hard and close to home. A heart-wrenching avalanche of memories and regret. Followed by waves of forgiveness, mercy, and love.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming. All alone with the truth and the lies..."

I don't like facing myself, because I don't like what I see. I know I have flaws, and I know I don't reflect Christ most of the time, and I am horribly ashamed of that. But sometimes you have to take a step back, breathe deep, and take a good look at what's in the mirror. I wish I saw myself as God saw me, because I think it would show a few different things. First, how wretched of a sinner I truly am and how hypocritical my life has been. Ephesians 4:17 - 5:21 is SO GOOD and reminds me how I ought to live, as opposed to how I really AM living. I really just need to memorize those chapters, because every time I read them and compare them to my own life, I cringe.
Secondly, how I no longer need to be ashamed, because I'm not the same as I was three years ago. I'm changed, renewed, and saved.

Colossians 3:1-3
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is no hidden with Christ in God."

My past is gone and hidden. By Friday I am to have created my own sign with my pre-Christ and post-transformation "defining" words. I don't know yet what they'll be.

But for now... I only know this:
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

I am REDEEMED.

"What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyway."

2010-10-04T03:01:00.000-05:00

"Why do you watch all that crap? You know that's not real life, right? Stuff like that doesn't happen, people don't end up with their perfect relationships, and nobody ends up actually graduating, getting jobs, and loving what they do for the rest of their lives. Movies are just a bunch of [bunk] and you're wasting your time while reality happens around you."

Why so cynical, oh ye of little faith? Goodness. Do not take your unhappyness out on me. I like living life in the imaginary, so go burst someone else's fairytale bubble.
So what if I spend my little extra time watching happy endings on my laptop while I do laundry and re-organize my part of the room? Excuse me for not participating in your mindless weekend games.

Call me sentimental or call me cliche. But I would still pick my fictional fairy tales over your partying, drunken reality, any day of the week. Hands down.

"And I wonder where these dreams go when the world gets in your way."

"Only for you, I don't regret that I was Thursday's child..."

2010-09-30T23:09:00.006-05:00

Learning to be content. Today, I loved Chemistry. And that's not a lie. Also, a looooong Thursday composed of lots of studying, caffeine, a surprise shift at work, and total exhaustion.

In no particular order...

A) Today, Chemistry and I came to a truce. I LOVED my Chem lab, though we did nothing special and some of the people were clueless. Friends + math + acids = love love love. Stop laughing. I really mean it. It was fantastic.

B) Without break, I hit up my favorite coffee shop for tea and some serious studying. I completed my Chemistry homework in half an hour, figuring it out ALL by myself and a full day before it was due. This has never happened before; something that volumized my affection for Chemistry significantly. I also completed the four chapters of reading for Biology, plus the pre-lab, plus half of the lab itself (it's not a real hands-on lab, obviously).

C) I consumed over 64oz of caffeine today for less than a dollar. It was not delicious, but it kept me going.

D) I got four phone calls while studying. One was from one of the Zeta leaders, requesting a lunch date. I can only assume this is in response to my email informing her I was de-pledging from the sorority.

E) Another phone call was from my boss, asking me to cover an emergency shift. Stand around and make money? Alright, if I must. Three hours of standing, arranging clothes on hangers, and playing with the accessories in exchange for minimum wage is okay by me. My body hurts from too much today, but I found a friend AND learned how to close the store.

F) I've spent too much time moping and feeling sorry for myself lately, and I apologize. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you've fallen victim to my whining, tears, or incessant twitter updates. I know you're annoyed and I am more than a little ashamed of my behavior. Self-pity isn't healthy and only causes self-obsession and alienation of friends and love. Sometimes, I make choices, only to later realize I didn't want what I picked, after all. Regret is a powerful emotion.

Tonight at work, hanging up clothing in an empty story for three hours, I had entirely too much time to simply think. I took this opportunity to have a rare moment of honesty with myself. It was at that point that the sensible, logic-driven side of me took over and slapped me in the face with reality.

Bottom line - I'm done. No more of this attitude. I chose to let go so I wouldn't have to experience these emotions with the struggle of two hours between. I've allowed those feelings to remain and take root, but they don't belong there; they're not wanted. So I'm doing a little weeding. I'm ridding myself of those thoughts and emotions, because living my life as I have been lately... isn't really living. If I could go back and change a few things, I would. But I can't, so they won't change, and I need to move on.

I want to live my life to my last breathe, and I want to find joy and fulfillment in the God that created me, saved me, and loves me still. I'm selfish, I'm inconsistent, and I'm unfaithful. And yet... my Redeemer has never left me, turned away from me, or given up on me.

For that, I am thankful.

"Look at the stars/Look how they shine for you..."

2010-09-22T01:20:00.007-05:00

This fall, I have the joy of sitting in a relationships class for fifty minutes, three days a week. Martin's 21st birthday is November 28th, and I am solely responsible to show up to class the following morning, fully equipped with Advil and a bottle of water. Yay for new friends. My "old" friend in this class has somewhat a similar attitude - I am apparently supposed to provide entertainment and a listening ear to his ramblings and weekend tales. Do you notice a trend? I am apparently known to people as that responsible girl who doesn't have fun, drinks tea on Friday nights instead of jello shots, and spends her weekends studying in her dorm room. Alone.

But today I discovered that I don't have to do that. Oh no, because, if I so choose, I can instead spend my weekend... driving to random cities with the attractive pizza-server, smoking pot, or recovering from hangovers. Each situation has been offered in the last 24 hours and each comes with the guarantee I will not be alone. My most intriguing offer, though, was not any of the above, but rather, from my aforementioned "old" friend. A sarcastic, tattooed narcissist, he easily fits into my list of people whose presence I enjoy, despite his loud claims of being a "man-whore" (umm, false).

Upon hearing the status of my non-relationship, he interrupted without waiting to hear the story and immediately went into full-on girl-comfort mode, complete with hugs, affirmations of my state of "deserving better", and insults to the unknown. All in all, an experience that would have been funny to observe, had it not been so inaccurate. Oh, and if he hadn't followed it all with, "Soooo... How's about some rebound, baby?"

I laughed. Make no mistake, I was offended. But I can't say I was surprised, seeing as how he has visibly worked up to this point over the last few weeks. His profanity-ridden mouth becomes germ-x clean as soon as I'm within hearing range and he spent much of last year telling me I was too good for any random male name that may have been brought up in conversation.

Rude suggestions aside, I like this kid a lot and enjoy imparting my beliefs and wisdom upon him and his questionable morals. He didn't let me finish my explanation as to why I wasn't interested in his offer, but it stuck in my mind for a good deal of the day, especially as the offers began to pile up. However, what I did manage to inject before my teacher hushed us was this - I don't need a rebound, because nothing has changed.

No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I don't especially like the shift to alone-ness. But it's not really a new situation, but simply a return to how things were before. Relationships don't always last forever, and sometimes, they don't last very long at all. I could have been in a relationship for months before returning to a life of singleness. But honestly, I don't believe that would have made a difference. It's possible to miss someone months, or even years, after the relationship has ended. That doesn't mean you want them back and it doesn't make you obsessed with them.

I don't need a rebound and I don't have to have a boyfriend because I don't allow my identity to be wrapped up in whom I'm with at the time. I try to keep my heart intertwined with God. He's the reason for my existence and only one on whom my identity should depend. So no, I'm not insecure because I'm single. I don't need to find someone new to "fill the void" or "plug up the hole" left by another. Kinda hard to fill in or plug up something that... just isn't there. So as much as I would like to not be alone right now... I don't always get my way. And for that, I'm glad. Because rebound is not what I'm about, it's not who I am, and rarely results in more than pain.

I'm not out to get "even", "justice", or "revenge", because... I'm not angry? I wasn't wronged? I make choices, I learn to live with the consequences, and I walk forward. I believe in looking straight ahead. In not falling into regret. In finding joy.

Likewise, I believe in not moving backwards. In not falling back into old patterns. In not returning to the past once it is removed from the present. Don't regress.

Too much rambling? Too long of a post? Too much information?
Yes. Probably. Most likely.
But it spent the day bouncing off the walls inside my head and now it's on paper.

Last thoughts...
1 John 3:1
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God."

So simple. So cool. So breathtakingly wonderful.
My God is way awesome.

My Life as Present

2010-09-20T23:24:00.015-05:00

Work
:College :: successfully defeating chem and biology
:Vanity :: minimum wage & cute clothes for cheap
:Controlling my temper :: roommate troubles & past uprisings

Music
:Discovery of the month :: Boyce Avenue
-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBJ2TRkj_ms&feature=channel
:Consistent Favorite :: "Heartbeat" by Steele Croswhite
:New release :: New Anberlin

Food/Drink
:Peppermint tea :: comfort, tinglings, and relief
:Goodbye :: processed foods and high fructose corn syrup
:Super foods :: anti-oxidents, immune system, and a satisfying bonus

Fun (How I otherwise occupy myself outside of school)
:Zeta Tau Alpha :: 'nough said
:Vintage Faith friendships :: special hugs, fantastic messages, strengthening bonds
:Just Laughter :: lunch dates with my RA :: movie nights with jess/allie/alexis/garrett :: 1am ihop with sarah/kory/kevin :: lights out with sarah/kevin :: coffee dates with Rachel :: biology lab with alex/marcus/ben :: and simply love, love, love

"They lied when they said the good die young."

2010-09-12T14:10:00.003-05:00

I know that things are constantly changing. Peoples' hearts, their minds, and their choices. I admit guilty to this, even on a daily basis. But I never realize just how important constants are within one's life. Sure, we need to be flexible enough to adjust to change as it comes. So why is this wreaking so much havoc in the todays?

Dear God, I need some stability in my life.

Lamentations 3:21-25

2010-09-11T19:42:00.002-05:00

"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.
Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him."

Holding my breath...

2010-09-08T20:56:00.003-05:00

I did nothing today. I went to class. I dozed in the hallway for forty-five minutes after. I went to class. I slept. I went to class. I went to fill out paperwork for my new job. I sat at my desk and ate raisins while I did everything BUT my homework. I went and got dinner. I ate my piece of pizza and spit out my cauliflower. I slept-walked through the lobby, taking pictures and smiling at the chattering coffee-hyped girls of P3 and B2. I gave my phone number willingly. And now, I return to my bed and hope for slumber to come to me quickly. I can't deal with this right now. I can't afford to move this slowly.

But with mono, comes great fatigue and a killer migraine. And with said fatigue and migraine, comes lack of motivation and the desire to sleep... and sleep... and in between? The desire to not do homework.

I must confess: I have experienced very few things in life that compare to what my body is telling me now. A repeat of late April. I hate it.

"If you dare to believe in life..."

2010-09-06T14:01:00.022-05:00

It's feelin' like the time's run out,
But the hour glass just flipped itself over again.
The sun is slowly sinking down,
But on the other side a new day awaits to begin.

Ups and downs, all over the place. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. Last night, I spent thirty minutes in the ice cream section of HyVee, attempting to make a decision about what flavor would satisfy my self-pitying craving. This afternoon it was the life or death decision of raspberry Nutrigrain bar or brown sugar Pop-tart (though it is with great pride I can say I spent only seven minutes on that decision).

In reality, I know what I want. I know the way I want my life to be, and I know exactly how to get there. I know what I want to major in, what classes it will take me to get there, and I know how hard I'm going to have to work in order to accomplish my goals. I know where God needs to fit in my life. Or rather, I know my life needs to fit around God.

This won't contain smooth transitions (fair warning). Written amidst rearranging my entire room, babysitting my printer, and assuring my RA that yes, I'm alright. Or, according to Drew... "I'm fine."

I feel as though I lost double this weekend, though in reality, both left against will, and I made the choice to give away one of them. It would be a lie to say that I dislike people. But you can believe me when I say that many people are not the ones with whom I would choose to spend any real amount of time. So when I find those select few with whom I would LOVE to spend time and whose presence I actually enjoy immensely, I don't easily give them up.

My roommate moved out this morning. Reasoning given was simply, "My parents decided it would be best for me to come back home." So, she did. I lost out as a result. Yesterday, I spent a good amount of time updating people at home and sharing how much I loved my roommate and how she was completely sweet and thoughtful. Yet one simple phone call changed everything before noon today. I didn't press for details, but it was obvious the choice was not hers, or she would remain.

Half of my dorm room is completely devoid of personalization. My side is overflowing with color, love, and organized creativity. Comparatively, the opposing side looks like a prison. I now await further information regarding the girl from overflow who will soon become my new roommate. Dreading what horrors in which this will result. Praying for peace and praying for another positive situation.

As far as the other... I have two things going on at once, at all times. My heart and emotions, and my brain. Yeah, I know it's a shocker, but I utilize them frequently (though not always to their full extent). Words and promises can sway the former and cause a rupture in the latter. I know what I want and I know I found something special. It's at this point that the troublemaker(the aforementioned heart/emotion combination)kicks in and begs to get its way. Why should I have to give up something I desire so much? It's not complete commitment, but rather, a promise to seek, explore, and discover.

At this point, I would like all to note that I have disproved the idea that "Men act on logic and women act on emotions". That's total bunk(yes, Faith, I used that word just for you). I'm a great believer in lists of pros and cons. My mom's influence hit this weekend, and boy, did it hit me hard. That's not to say it wasn't my decision, because it was, 100%. I stressed and I worried. And then I chose. I backed it with facts and reason. But as soon as a smile set in, my mind was changed. Then back again 3 songs and some curly fries later. In that moment, I saw the world freeze. I'm not being dramatic. For an instant, it was blank and I ceased to breathe. I do believe there was at least a minute and a half of silence where breath ceased on my end. (Um, success).

By morning, it was set in place, and by mid-afternoon, a deal was set. One that was "liveable". Pleasant afternoon, lots of laughter, and illegal trespassing aside. Then a list of options(8, to be exact, though only 2 were reasonable) and a corresponding promise of follow-up by the next day. Between then and the 'morrow, I ate cheesecake, drank four glasses of water, stalked a dumpster, washed my hair, and changed my mind twice. Regretfully, I shared my thoughts aloud before sleep. Sunday morning the final choice of Option 1 was announced and committed. Thus, it was done. I have my reasons. I believe I made the right decision. If you want further details, you will have to request them. But know that while I don't necessarily like how things played out, I know that, looking back, I will probably have a lot of respect for myself. Sounds silly, even to me, but hindsight is everything.

Yesterday, I chose to walk away. Today, another was forced to do so. Therapy through organization and rearrangement was this afternoon's activity. Tonight? Tonight, a printer kicked my butt. Breaking point. I had enough. I sat down(or hurled myself down, as a bruise claims witness), and I cried. All of the weekend and not a single tear, but I am reduced to tears by a paper-eating, ink-spitting, God-only-knows-what-CRUNCHING printer. I cry infrequently. Usually at goodbyes, moments of child-missing, and when I'm unable to help the ones I love.

This semester, I'm removing regret from my vocabulary. I'm ready to laugh, love, and live each day with energy and joy. I'm not afraid to miss those I care about or take a chance on love or opportunity. I'm knocking on doors, devoting to goals, and documenting EVERYTHING.

Prepare for experience.
Give up those inhibitions.
Tommorrow. Is. Now.

Goodbye, August...

2010-08-31T19:49:00.003-05:00

August has been a long month. In some ways, far too long, and in other ways, not nearly long enough. If I had to summarize it with a few highlights (or lowlights), they would be as follows:

1. New friends at home and countless hours in a special place.
2. My last week with my precious kids in Oklahoma - lots of love, lots of pictures, and lots of tears
3. At the same time as the above, my last week working for Novo Ministries - cleaning out my desk was not my favorite part of the week. My first and last time at Ted's? Mmmm.
4. An amazing last week of summer with Joanna and a couple others - activities ranging from Crown Center fountain running, 5 hour road trips, bubble tea introductions, camping in my backyard, coffehouse lounging, games of Ditch, Westport, sorting through countless record albums, eating ice cream, sleepovers, and final evenings at Homer's.
5. Moving to K-state and then driving back home a few hours later to retrieve about twelve things I had forgotten to bring with me, including my phone charger, credit card, and comforter, among other assorted possessions.
6. Sunday :)
7. First week of classes. Mostly boring, some interesting. Chemistry and Biology are already kicking my butt, despite the less-than-four-classes I've had of each. Hellooo, study rooms and tutoring sessions. Goodbye, social life and weekends at home.
8. Hmmm... a smile, some "pining", and a countdown to the weekend.

Well, August. You've been good to me. Exceptionally so.
Thank God for grace, forgiveness, and second chances.

<3

"Why can't I..."

2010-08-16T19:19:00.006-05:00

I sometimes get the feeling that, should I speak too soon, all magic will be lost.

So I sit, and I wait, and I pray.

And as I remain, I hope the wonder only blooms.

Weekend Musings

2010-08-08T17:40:00.002-05:00

I wouldn't normally do this, because if I want to talk in detail about every little thing I did today, then I would write in a journal. So not the purpose of this blog. But I'm awake, I'm in pain, and I'm in the mood to do something besides waste my life away watching TV.

At exactly 4pm this afternoon, a thought occurred to me. It was one of those thoughts begging me to advertise my opinion to the world via Facebook or Twitter. But since I have recently committed to not annoying the rest of the world with my narcissistic updates, I have chosen to instead write something to the same effect here. How is this different from the aforementioned broadcasting?
Let me explain the differences I see between Facebook and Twitter status updates, and a blog post. First of all, Facebook is visible to the entire world, or for anyone I'm "friends" with to view and judge upon. Twitter, while distinctively different, has the same basic principle - I must, in 140 characters or less, give my current thought, judgement, or quote. It is (for some) significantly more private, if one chooses to not link it to Facebook or some other networking site. Personally, my Twitter (recently changed from Fallingupagain5 to Melissa_Steve) can be found by people through name search, but is not in any online profile. How is it that I am now followed by 38 people? >Simple - I sifted through my brother's account contacts and added any and all people I knew. Over time, people accepted and/or added me through a similar process. Since then, I have weeded out those whom I don't actually care about following or whom I've discovered drives me crazy with their nonsensical or excessive updates.

I've gotten a little off base here. Not only that, but I've almost forgotten what I wanted to explain. Oh, yes... differences. Blogs are my first choice, when it comes to the above options. Why say what you mean in 140 brief, abbreviated characters, when you could explain it in whole, concise thoughts without being boxed? I feel like Facebook updates are a cry for attention and begging for proof that people care about you or lie, enraptured, upon your every word. Twitter seems to be less about how people respond than the fact that you made your voice heard and your thoughts known. For me, blogging really is more of a journal entry than anything else, I suppose. Yes, I could write all this in a little book, but there is that part of me that enjoys knowing there are a select few who take the time to read my thoughts and comment. If they don't, that's alright, too, because this is more for me than for anyone else. It's a motivation to think a little more analytically, to be a little less raw in my honesty, and to sharpen and refine my writing. Do I always carry out those actions? Hardly.

With all of that in mind, I now have several things to say:
145am - Two things: first, mono's a bitch. Second, not running makes me sad.
105pm - I really hate hypocrites
325pm - Goal for the week? Drink as much H2O as possible and stay HYDRATED!
335pm - 104 degrees in OKC = grooooossssss
400pm - Starbucks, why does your music suck and why is it so loud?
432pm - The Bravery, White Stripes, Franz Ferdinand = excellent new music discoveries

1 ------ Mono needs to just go away. I'm torn between the thoughts of "Don't go too far. Rest now, avoid relapse, and run later without interruption or backfiring." and "Stop being a wimp. Suck it up and push a little harder." There must be a fine line between the two, but for the life of me, I can't figure out where it is. I spent a glorious week and a half running almost every night (before my body mutinied and gave in once more to the disease), anywhere between 2 and 8 miles each evening. I had missed the simple monotony, and the pain was better than I remembered. I feel kind of weird saying it, but not running depresses me more than just a little.

2 ------ Sigh. This one I should maybe keep to myself, but it really angers me sometimes. Not really an excuse, but true, and in this action, I myself am becoming a hypocrite. It's a sick cycle. Lately, I have been around people who far too often condemn others for actions they find to be detestable or annoying - so and so's a bitch or a jerk, they never do what they say they're going to do, etc. Often, then ones I'm listening to are complaining of another's hypocritical words or actions and wishing they would cease(See what I said about the cycles?). Not two days following the conversation of venting comes the fake or excessive comments/wall posts of kindness and friendliness. This is the part where confusion hits me, because I coulda sworn two seconds ago I was listening to angry words about this person.

Yeah, I know I'm guilty of gossip, and I'm not one to turn away from sessions of venting and stress-relief. But I do my best to avoid the guilt of being one of catty, mean-spirited, behind-their-backs, hateful comments, and honestly, it's beginning to escalate from frustrating to upsetting. I haven't always cared about what other people thought, and my past record of loving others isn't great, but I'm trying, and I'm learning, and I'm doing my best to seek God. It's slow going and I don't claim to know anything, but I feel like maybe that kind of attitude towards others is NOT part of God's will for us, as Christians. Crazy, huh?

3 ------ 100 degree minimum in Oklahoma City every day during our final week of day camps? 'Nough said.

4 ------ Note the above comment had the key word "minimum".

5 ------ Had I gotten to this number sooner, you would be reading a paragraph-long rant about how frustrated I am by Starbucks right now, simply because of their lack of space and sucky music taste. However, about two minutes ago, I ordered a venti ice water and received it free of charge - something unexpected. All musical sins have been forgiven in light of this.

6 ------ My eyes have recently been opened to some exceptional music. Thanks to new friends, I have a large list of music to explore; a list through which I am slowly working my way. I have employed Pandora to it's fullest capabilities, and am stuck on my Franz Ferdinand station. The White Stripes have been on my radar for a while, but not to this extent. There's something to be said for excessive creativity.

Blogging is good for the soul, but I feel like maybe I should explore different hobbies outside of the world of electronics. I'm open to suggestions, just keep in mind my stunted athletic abilities.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Letters to God (it's so much easier to drink water when you can't see it)

2010-08-07T18:53:00.001-05:00

As frustrating as insomnia may be at times, I must say that in this case, I did not object at all. Caffeine-induced sleeplessness increases my evening productivity in ways you can't even imagine. Not only do I get far too creative with my baking, but I also have contemplative musings lasting me days later. Results = countless pages in my journal, a spinach casserole, five kinds of chicken, cracking "The Man Who Was Thursday", and at least three episodes of Arrested Development. These are not direct quotes, nor are they complete. Copy and paste is too easy. Let creative freedom reign! Furthermore, thoughts are not always finished before distraction.

((-1205am-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
"Hi, God.

It's me again. Sometimes I feel like I should maybe go outside, stare up at the sky, and wave my arms in the air, just to be sure you've got the right face matched to my prayers. How silly. As if you've forgotten who I am or where I am. But, um, anyway. I was reading this story in Genesis today...I don't really understand some things, but that's okay, I guess. Maybe more has been lost in translation than originally intended. Not that you intended for anything to be lost in translation. No, see, I'm not saying that, I meant more like...um...hmmm..."

((-215am-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
"I have discovered the ultimate questions for my life: Why am I here? What is my purpose? What should be my goal in life? In light of those answers, how should I be living my life RIGHT now? Not as in, what should I do with my life in regards to careers/jobs/ etc.? But more like...how should I be acting? what kind of person should I be? what qualities/traits should I possess if I want to be fulfilling those goals/purposes? What is the proof behind what I claim as my intentions or beliefs?"

((-245am-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
'Oooohkay, I've got another one. How should/can I envelop myself so completely in Christ, His love for me, and the security that results in total trust in Someone more powerful and wise than I can even imagine? Honestly, I don't have the slightest idea of where to start! I'm working my way from the ground up. Reading, writing, thinking, praying.

((-522pm-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
"Shy, hopeful, uncertainty, excited, smile-inducing, butterflies, laughter, disappointment? Everything starts out as something much smaller than it is, doesn't it? Massive steps for short a time, I like to think. Build it up, piece by piece. You can't hurt with a little addition, just don't overwhelm. Leave it hanging a bit more. It's better to want more and not get it, then intimidate, scare, and lose completely. I want to close my eyes, but I'm afraid it'll swing past if I don't take a breath."

((-614pm-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
"In the eyes of some, today I did absolutely nothing. But I like to think that, in reality, I was living life. No, I didn't go to work, I didn't log any community service, I didn't drive all over God's green earth, I didn't go shopping, I didn't sleep in past 7am, and I didn't watch movies to pass the time. BUT, I did... have a long quiet time reading out of Exodus, meet with a new friend/mentor, pray a LOT, drink some tea, laugh with friends, spend three hours catching myself up on past events, dream unrealistically (though beautifully), catch-up with a favorite, listen to HOURS of music, think outside of the box, and write a blog post. I also believe that the remainder of my August 7th holds... movie night with my date, a Panera donations pick-up, another four chapters from G. K. Chesterton, and some stir-fry with mushrooms.

All of that... was something. It wasn't nothing. It wasn't a waste. I didn't spend my day running around, accomplishing. There were no ulterior motives behind any of my actions, and I wasn't master-minding some plot. I had no goals, no requirements, and no time frames. Do I regret any of it or wish I had done something differently? Not a bit. I love that I could enjoy my day and when I reflect upon it, I don't see spent time. Rather, I see life lived. This is how I want to be always. But not just on the weekend. I'm not saying I want to bum around and live every day like this. I just believe there is beautiful simplicity in a day like today. As my last free Saturday before I begin classes (again), I think it deserved a little extra "living" and I think I did quite excellent at enjoying it."

((-627am-)) and ((-615pm-))
*Excerpts from journal entries*
"I am really starting to want to be a total nature junkie. Like, the kind who hikes and runs and bikes and watches sunrises EVERY day, and eats protein bars and drinks water." CUE LAUGHTER "Kay, now that we've gotten that little hiccup out of our system, let's face reality: I am not athletic. I may be fascinated by nutrition and the human body, but nature is a completely different story. I don't like dogs. I get altitude sickness. I love heels and jewelry. Granola is my second favorite food, but that doesn't mean that trail mix makes it on my top 100. I don't care for sweating unless I'm running. I hate water. HATE it. I often disguise it as tea, in order to trick myself into hydration. The likelihood of me becoming a nature junkie about matches the chances of me becoming a professional clown. But lemme tell ya - spend a morning watching the sun emerge from behind the horizon and you will want to spend the rest of your life eating trail mix and guzzling water as you climb Mt. Everest on the hottest day of the year. Yes, I'm aware that the sun rises every single day, but that doesn't make it any less spectacular when you actually watch it happen."

Sigh.

"While watching the sunrise, I had another epiphany. First, 'Wow, God. Sometimes, you are REALLY cool.' Immediately following that thought was another: 'You idiot. God is always cool. It's just that sometimes you stop your self-obsession and selfishness long enough to allow Him to actually be your King and Savior. That's when you're allowed a peek into the gloriousness that is truly Him.' Sometimes, I just need to smack myself on the back of the head."

Also, I bought a duffel bag from Ross for only $16.59, and it might be my new favorite possession.

My final thought for the day - I want to drop out of college, sell everything I own (with the exception of my car and the aforementioned duffel bag), take my Bible, journal and some exceptional literature with me, and road-trip up the East coast. Once I hit Maine, I will then consult with myself, pick my favorite coastal location, return to that place, and make camp. I will open a business selling cupcakes and bikes.

And every morning, as I sit on the beach and watch the sun come up over the water, I will eat granola, smile, and think of you.

"Going back to the corner where I first saw you... Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move..."

2010-07-27T10:45:00.018-05:00

I never know how hard I'm pushing my body until I pause long enough for it to trip itself and crash into me. The last three days have been almost horrific.

Saturday's early morning start was briefly stunted, thanks to Sam's retard parking job in the absolute middle of the backyard. I'd seen it the night before, but never would've guessed his car wouldn't have budged by 6am. In his defense, he probably never would've guessed that anyone would try and leave the house at 6am on a Saturday morning. I only left 5 phone calls to Sam, 2 phone calls to Will, and 25 minutes later than I originally planned. No biggie.

For the rest of my morning leading up until I arrived in Manhattan, Kansas, I will say only this: Highway 77 is retarded and I will never again use it for anything, ever, in my life. I finally got to McAlister's deli where La'Sarah darling was waiting patiently. I was only half an hour late, but a full hour past when I had expected to get in. Whatever. I remain unimpressed by McAlister's sandwiches.

Forty-five minutes later, Vanity demanded Sarah's presence as Assistant Manager on her absolute last day of work before Sweden, so I took off as well. Hit up a Shell station right before I left, to ensure I at least got to Kansas City area before exhausting my gas supply. That, of course, sucked another twenty minutes from my life, due to some awesome construction for no apparent reason.

I finally hit Kansas City, after paying a measly toll (compared to the usual straight from OKC to KC), and promptly headed the wrong way on 435.
I had my reasons though.
Regardless of how exhausted I was (I had been eating jalepeno flavored chips the entire drive, in an effort to keep my eyes open), I believe I still would have taken 435 N. Yes, I am now aware that after I-70 E, it will lead me to Missouri, but at the time, it seemed logical. After all, I'm always going North coming from Oklahoma City, so my temporary lapse in judgement is at least justified.

On my way back from my brief visit to Missouri, I got stuck in one lane traffic. In an attempt to distract myself from the fact that I was below empty on gas and would more than likely run out in the middle of this circus, I started a fun game of "block the-other-lane-that-people-are-supposed-to-be-getting-out-of-but-are-instead-taking-aaaaalll-the-way-to-the-front-then-wheedling-their-way-out-of-at-the-last-second".If you've never played, I strongly suggest that you add this to your list of accomplishments sometime in the very near future. It's great fun. You basically take up two lanes at once so none of the jacks can pass-and-wheedle (yes, that is the official term). I even got a couple cars behind to play with me and prevent a motorcyclist from passing. If you're reading this and thinking how bitchy or obnoxious that game must be, then you're obviously one of those jacks and my respect for you just dropped from low to zero.

I escaped the circus ASAP and hit up the closest Quik Trip, fueling up with all of the three gallons - the most I could get for the end of my cash supply. Luckily, I knew I could get home on that. I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise, because my empty credit card would do me no good once I ran out of cash.

I got home, hugged the parentals, dropped two of my four bags on my floor, then fell face-first onto my pillows around 330pm, waking up three hours later. I spent the remainder of the evening doing absolutely nothing and going back to bed at 1030pm. I didn't awaken until that time, the next morning. Twelve hours of sleep? I'm down. I arrived at church just as it was ending and stayed just long enough to hold some babies and catch a couple people up on the current plans for my life.

My mom and I aimed the car towards Whole Foods after church. Why? Free samples, duh. Okay, not really, but kinda. We actually went there because Toyota had this sweet deal where you sign up, test drive one of their cars, and give a little feedback in exchange for a TEN DOLLAR gift card to Whole Foods. That would be a no brainer. I drove a Camry Hybrid for ten minutes, chatted it up with the guy in the front seat, then danced away with my free money. That is about the time we discovered all the free samples Whole Foods has on Sunday afternoons. The only thing I actually liked of those samples would be the Hazelnut Biscotti. I don't even like biscotti, but that was some seriously good stuff. And we left with granola, so the trip was well worth it, not to mention my gift card still safely sitting in my wallet.

After a shoe purchase at Old Navy, I returned us to the casa, where I promptly fell back onto my bed for another 3 hour nap. Which, I want to mention, did not prevent me from falling asleep at midnight and sleeping another 13 hours straight, without waking for any of the 7 text messages or 5 emails that came through my phone.

Yes, I will show up for your party, meet you for lunch, or paste a smile long enough to play catch-up with you. That doesn't mean I don't feel like total crap underneath. It's like my body figured out that I'm not constantly moving or needing to get something done, so it has come to a screeching halt, knocking me backwards. I think most of the time I must be running on adrenaline and stress, because I don't know how I got this far without falling apart. Mono sounds bad in theory, but less intimidating after a bit. Aftershock might be the worst part. Because I've already experienced all the symptoms in full force and lived on Advil and popsicles, then walked away normal,if not a little tired, four weeks later. But then for drastic change to hit out of nowhere sucks more than anything else. I'd almost forgotten the crippling pain of a migraine and the full body numbing that neck and shoulder muscles can create. Hello, Advil, my current addiction.

Another discovery of mine - I don't know how to relax. I hear you, Joanna, mumbling your "I told you so..." from that comfy leather couch. But I've realized over the last three days how completely true that statement is. This week is absolute nothing. The most difficult thing I'm doing is buying textbooks online and getting the oil in my car changed. Everything else is just empty space and sleeping time. Could I sleep in this morning? Not a chance. I rolled out of bed before 8am and was sitting on Homer's couch before my 9am alarm went off. Espresso is delicious, but a bad combination with an empty stomach - a fact I previously was aware of, but had forgotten.

But that has nothing to do with what I'm trying to say - regardless of how much I sleep, or how much nothing I do, or how much tea I drink... I can't turn down that choking level of stress in the back of my mind. I don't think I even realized it was there before I left. It's that in the absence of work and responsibility, I realize something is there that doesn't belong. It's a feeling stretching from heart to mind and filling every small crack in-between. It's gotta have some sort of an "off" switch, right? Then why can't I find it and why won't it flip? No wonder I'm developing lock-jaw.

Here's to hoping tonight's love and laughter fades it all long enough to get a gulp of fresh air before submerging once more.

"Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life/Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight..."

2010-07-17T01:24:00.000-05:00

/loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry/loving things like you has made me lose my mind/and I can't figure out why I've been hanging on/to all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long/

/everyone wants everyone else's everything/sometimes the more we have the less we really gain/I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy/get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind/

/loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue/loving things like you has made me so confused/and I can't figure out what I've been waiting on/God, I can't be living for things I know are wrong/

/now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life/leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight/

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The best part of my job:

Yes, I'm aware it's a little unfocused, but it's still one of my favorites of the day. Did I mention that I'm getting paid to time hula hoop contests, help with countless lego projects, and teach snuggly children about Jesus?

Now the worst part of my day:
Thanks to my doctor, I have new meds, a new diet, and a new headache. Okay, technically, I guess I only have myself to blame. Mono "syndrome" isn't a relapse, to be exact... but it still has symptoms, and it still sucks. It may have been worth it, though, to see the look on Dr. Medley's face when, while casually asking about my habits and activities, she discovered I work anywhere from 45-65 hours a week. Surprised is perhaps an understatement. Horrified is more like it. She was less than enthused in her response, and began to insert little comments and orders as we dialogued on my schedule and sleep patterns. She even went so far as to hint at the continuing decline of my health situation with the threat, "...may result in a full relapse." tacked onto the end of several of her sentences.

Her rules were "simple". Sleep plenty and throw in a few extra hours each night, take naps when and wherever you need them, eat healthy, take a multi-vitamin, and cut back your work to no more than 40-45 hrs a week. Blah, blah, blah, yeah, I got it.

She tried to make me feel as though I wasn't to blame for my own fatigue and overall feeling of crappyness, but the tone in her voice and the way she spoke with her eyes told me something quite different. Let me do some quick translation of the afforementioned orders of hers; in fact, they can be simplified to this: "Slow down and quit your job(aka current life)". I could almost hear the words in her head, "Do what I say and don't be stupid."

Then, as her final note, as well as the kicker for my sucky Friday - "Blah blah blah... so I'm going to put you on steroids...blah blah blah." Yeah, okay. Steroi-. Hmm. Wait a sec. You're doing what to me? I found this new idea of hers to be slightly ironic, considering the conversation we'd JUST had about my weight and its frantic fluctuation over the last few months (something she noticed only because of the frequency of my visits with her). Somehow, this steroid thing is going to help stabilize? I think not. Furthermore, I found her suggestion to be anti-progressional and, well, honestly - dumb. "It will help your energy levels." Right. Not only do I find that to be a load of BS, but I also hate every idea you've had yet.

Let's review. First, you knocked me out of my kids' lives for a good month, preventing me from saying goodbye, teaching my 100% lesson plan, and receiving my fair share of hugs from over-exuberant pre-k through 6th graders. I recover from said kissing disease, as well as Pharyngitis and Tonsillitis, and return to my life of lesson plans, practice, and grubby four year-olds' fingers. Soon there is a new drug in my life, one promising a return to the "normal" me; one not so cold, not so afraid, and not so angry. Alright, hit me. Ooh, lookit that - a fail. I may or may not have finished out those little pills, but I didn't go to my follow-up appointment, so she apparently forgot about my freebie drugs - thus, the fault falls on her. Two strikes already, and now this?

If people can sue McDonalds for making them fat, can I sue my Dr. for any potential weight gain resulting from these little white suckers?

In case you haven't noticed, procrastination is one of my closest buds. As damaging as that may be to my sleep and practicing habits, it certainly makes me chatty. Or perhaps the rambling is a result of too silent a phone. My daily conversations with mom ceased as of Wednesday evening, thanks to her short trip away. TWO whole days without talking makes me jittery and overflowing with pent-up stress and emotions.

I would describe the relationship my mom and I share as incredibly close, compared to many I see between my friends and their mothers. My mom and I are the ones who attend events - ranging from church-related activities, to funerals, to weddings - and run our own commentaries regarding peoples' clothing choices, attitudes, words, and children. It's not that we're being mean. We're just having way too much fun disagreeing with and trying to fathom the way some people live their lives. My mom is the one I call when I have a funny story, when I'm hurting, when I'm stressed, or when I need to vent about the idiocy/un-considerate attitude/communicational issues of someone I had the misfortune of interacting with over the course of the day. My mother is also excellent at executing empathy at the appropriate pauses, as well as inserting her own incredulous thoughts towards anything or anyone that dared to grate on my nerves.

My mom isn't a suck-up or the kind of woman to agree with someone simply to placate a situation. She excels at confrontations(and I think she secretly enjoys them, too), and I often wish I was more like her in that area. But I'm glad she's like that, because it gives me a wider perspective about what's going on in my head, though it usually doesn't contradict it. I'm not spoiled. I'm not a bitch. I just know when I'm right and when I'm wrong, and though I may not admit my mistake to YOUR face, I know when I don't deserve sympathy. Furthermore, I know enough to not expect those un-deserved ego boosts from my mom.

I know I should begin to wrap up this ever-fascinating stream of thoughts, but TGIF? Hardly. Tomorrow(well, today, now...)brings an earlier morning than the week-day, as well as my non-weekend. 10 hour work day? Sure thing. I may have failed to mention this detail to Dr. Medley when she offered to write notes to my bosses, explaining my oh-so-delicate health and essentially handing me my own, personalized get-out-of-work-free card. Because, as awesome as that might have been, free passes are for those who don't know how to fight for themselves.

No, I still can't skateboard more than five feet(believe me, I tried this balancing act again tonight), and, no, I can't throw a punch without hurting myself(let's operate on a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy from here on out). But I'm building speed, and I'm extending distance. I'm not willing to lose myself again. Flexibility holds an immense volume of power. Next challenge involves four dollars worth of gum and eeeeeeee-z ice. I'm not stubborn, I have no muscle, and people aren't afraid of me. Pushover? Possibly. But it's not about winning, or about beating someone else. It's about me and Him. It's about growing, and learning, and expanding. Try to shrink and see what happens - you'll find an explosion of volume.

But keep your dynamite over there; I'm building my fences.

(The Symphony of) Blase

2010-07-04T00:25:00.000-05:00

I think you should look this one up.

It's kinda beautiful.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

But not true.

Too much is a lie in complete opposition.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
Something isn't right
Something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)

God, if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
Something isn't right
Something isn't right

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I miss you so muchly.

I shouldn't say it, but I do.

<3>

"Like sunlight in the winter cold... and nothing but Your truth remains..."

2010-07-01T23:51:00.020-05:00

Be my light in this darkened room

I'm on my face, and I'm calling you
I can't fathom all You've done for me
Everytime it finds me on my knees

Like sunlight in the winter cold

Everything about You, it takes my breath
Away...Hallelujah

I tried this once without You and it was my

Great mistake...Hallelujah

Questions fade

when you invade
You chase all my fears away

With Your love in my atmosphere

All confusion disappears
And nothing but Your truth remains

Questions fade, You remain
You are color on a page of white, bright

Like eyes beneath black lights

Like a glowing city on the plains, you call

My name

Hallelujah

My favorite quote of the day from this one:

"Teacher, I need a hug." (Oh, alright... if you insist...)

Me: "(Child's name), what ARE you doing??"

(Child): "Chalking my feet!"

Me: "Yeah, but why?"

(Child): "So you'll take a picture of 'em!"

He's got a point. I never would have thought to photograph his feet otherwise.

This is about a fourth of my kids. It was a quiet day. I despise quiet days. Give me loud, chaotic, stressful, uncontrollable days with too many kids to handle and a tapped source of energy.
Praying for a packed-out table tomorrow.

"Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?"

2010-06-30T22:17:00.011-05:00

Keeping my mind away and occupied is not difficult here.
Always things to organize or clean, curriculum to write, paragraphs to proof, activities to prep for, notes to write, and games to create.
My job? Most fun (though lowest paying) job I've ever had.
Novo Ministries? Number 3 on my list of "Best Things To Ever Happen To Me". Hands down, apart from God and my family, my time spent here is what I value most.

I know that, without a doubt, in 45 days I will be drive my car a miserable 5 hours, holding in salt water the entire way home.

And somehow, it's all going to be good for me.
I'm just waiting for the little crack that has begun, to rip all the way open and burn scars onto my heart. It's only been 6 months, but somehow, I can't imagine living so far from the little people I love so much.

My babies from last week:

(The little troublemaker is shown above. Precious, and with quite the mind of her own.)

We had an amazing turn-out last week and 9 small groups by Thursday:

Staple answer of every child to the question of "What was your FAVORITE part of camp?" -- "WATER GAMES!!!":
As you can see, the last day's "Teacher Drench" is widely popular among the kids. I love this part, despite the freezing, dripping results. Also, disregard my look of dread. I was secretly thrilled, but the kids have more fun if you scream NOOOOO when they run towards you. :)

Summer Feeding Kickoff:

This girl is all the way mine. <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_YyV3paQgQY0/TCwlTj7oG0I/AAAAAAAABGg/gSwYF8dT1r8/s1600/og2.jpg">

And lastly (and most sadly), my kids who are gone. Moved away, without a chance to say goodbye and stealing pieces of my heart as they left.

I miss my sweet, troublesome, difficult, rule-breaking boys.

This is going to hurt.
But for now, the perfect escape of thought and feeling.

"Let me whisper in your ear..."

"Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain..."

2010-06-05T23:36:00.004-05:00

Shadows fall across her face.

I swear I'll do it.

Her promise holds no doubt.

Plain as day, covering her body.

More raw than ever is her pain so evident.

So young.

Too young.

Horrors to which most are strangers.

Unspeakable blows.

But didn't you know?

Heart tearing aftermath of something more than a fist.

Deeper piercing than those lips.

More deadly than a hate-delivered wound.

A haunting she can never escape.

I'm not afraid of death, she claims.

For this, I'll follow through.

They'll see who's sorry then.

Nobody here can miss me now.

Later, regret in absence.

I'll do it, I swear.

Absorbing love as quickly as it flows.

Drinking dry the well from which sprang comfort.

Never enough.

Always yearning.

Forever dreaming of better, higher, more, and unending.

"I pray to God, 'You gotta help me fly away.'"

I'm not crazy, she cries.

Just can't get it out of my head.

Everything in pieces.

Nothing will ever further heal.

God, 12 is not a joke.

It's not life easily mended.

Too stumbled this early.

What chance is there that's left?

What hope can follow now?

Bring her closer.

"And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be..."

"I was walking down a one way street..."

2010-06-05T00:44:00.006-05:00

Mocking. "What? Are you actually afraid?"

Um, well, now that you mention it... yes!

Equally contemptuous. "No, of course not."

Incredulous, not unkind. "Why? It's not like it can hurt you."

Guess my excellent lying skills failed me that time.

Swallow. Attempting to extract from the eroding walls of my hole. "Says you. Just because you don't know anybody who's ever died from it, doesn't mean it's impossible. Besides, you can't prove it's safe."

Okay, so my reasoning isn't always completely rationalized or clarified.

Abrupt change in atmosphere. Not teaching, but sharing. My previous difficulty differentiating between the two was quickly absolving the longer the voice spoke. I had exasperated it slightly, but not to the point of annoyance. More of a watchful concern overflowing from a heart near perfectly focused, though not without dedication.

"Listen, Mal. That's ridiculous. YOU'RE ridiculous."

*sigh* Too much truth in that statement to even address. Acknowledgement confirmed through intonation evolving once more from one who wished only to protect, assist, and lead to better love.

"You know what fear is, right? Fear is the absence of trust in God."

I can only imagine such an attitude. How it must feel to be so completely immersed in a trust for the Father that nothing fazes, frightens, or haunts. Complete peace, knowing everything is out of your jurisdiction and all lies in the hands of the One with a perfect plan. Why fear death then? Why fight so hard for the power to control? No sense in the stress and concern for that which doesn't exist and cannot be attained.

"If you believe it, take my hand and I'll take your heart... I'm going under, so I'm letting you in... Oh, you can bet I believe it, too."

Save Me, San Fransisco.

2010-05-25T22:04:00.014-05:00

It started with a kiss. I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love, then missed the train that coulda took me right back home to you.

Oh, yes, baby... I been high, I been low. I been yes, and I been oh, hell no.

He gave your life direction. It was a game show love connection, you can't deny. You're so obsessed. I just don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Don't care if it rains, I'll be just fine.... I'm leaving all of my ghosts behind. Let old black water bring us together...I've just about got you, baby.

Wanna take you with me - to life with no more yesterdays. We'll start again, awake and so excited and change the way we always pushed. I will stay and I will rain... I will wash it all away.

As bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake... Another bridge to take, on the way to letting go. We were stars up in the sunlit sky. No one else could see us. Neither of us ever thought to ask why. It wasn't meant to be... Maybe we were way too high.

There's no happy endings; No Henry Lee.
Hold our cell phones up in the air and just be glad we made it here alive. On a spinning ball in the middle of space. But then the rest is just whenever.

So don't let the door hit you when you leave... you threw me in the fire just to "save my life".
You're suck a pretty little liar. I'm giving you up, you're letting me down with this lack of effort.
Stop pretending that you're gonna turn yourself around. So get on your way to making someone else feel low. You already know, know, know, know... Don't ask me why, because you already know, you know, you know...

I'd give anything but I won't give up on you. I'd say anything, but not goodbye. So take all the fakeness; Use it as firewood and let them burn. Like stones in your pocket the ones who will always try to wear you down or stop your world from turning. Let them burn! Let them burn! Underneath every word somebody's heart been broken. With or without words we try to forgive. Use them as firewood and let them burn.

The sky has made it back to blue, everything that's left is telling us the worst of it is through. Now they're spread out on the surface, where we can try to congregate. And brick by brick,
we'll get back to yesterday.

Oh, California, dancing in the ocean. You're the best dream in my head. You're my calm thought when I see red. You're the fastest race I ever led. You're the skin I never wanna shed.

Forever can never be long enough for me. Forget the world now, we won't let them see. Now that the weight has lifted, love has surely shifted my way. If I ever get the nerve to say,"Hello" in this cafe, marry me? Oh, won't you just marry me? Say you will. Mmhmm, Say you will, mmhmm. Promise me you'll always be happy by my side. I promise to sing to you, even after all the music die.

Why go slow if it's nice and steady? We all know its in the stars already.

Just hold me tight and cross your heart to stay here with me, born to be every part of you in half-moon bay.

I have waited all my life to paint these cities red. Thoughts I've always had, they're here, still stuck inside my head.

This time you're making me slip right through your hands. And this time now you don't understand, too busy trying to find love all yourself. When we know what we want, we then forget what we need. When you thought you found who you were, you forgot about me.

Here we are at the finish line, ah, so finally at the finish line.

Novo Ministries Slideshow

2010-05-06T17:40:00.003-05:00

http://www.novoministries.org/2010/05/appreciation-reception-slideshow-2010/

From our appreciation reception on Tuesday night...

This is what I'm doing and they are why I'm staying, despite some of my wants and dreams, because I know that nothing else I can do will ever be as important as my kids. Everything else can just... wait. :)

"I can't even see your face...."

2010-05-01T23:32:00.003-05:00

You spoke; I stood silent.

I came back minutes later, devoid of my instructions.

I'm sorry, I know it's a small frustration.

Forgotten already.

Even as you spoke the words, they passed through me.

Distracted.

Attempts to drown out, along with surroundings, results in a myriad of color, rhythm, and melody.

But those escape my thoughts, as well.

Oh, is it over?

I could have sworn it had only just begun.

An explosion from the internal timer. Alarm ignored; forgotten in a rush or a question. The mistake painfully obvious with only a turn of the head.

Why won't it stop?

Ever-present.

Never ending.

Always with me.

9 days.

Can't stop it.

The best I can do is hold it at bay.

But several weeks coming.

I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not begging for attention.

I know I'm not that bad off and I know comparatively, my body's ability and sustainability is more than sufficient in countless ways.

"Addiction's slowly setting in...."

It can't be the cure-all for this.

Monday, come quick.

There's bound to be a better solution.

I know He's in control and I know He has a plan.

I don't understand and maybe I should stop trying for an answer.

But I just want to know....

Hello again. And ugh.

2010-04-13T21:52:00.003-05:00

I may give the appearance of giving up or giving in.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not giving up that soon.

Take a second glance and give it the chance to see that my love and my laughter stopped revolving around you a long time ago.

Moving forward, moving on.

Liking nothing better than to leave your cold corpse behind.

I've found a place and I've found one that you hold no possession over.

So take a breath.

Stop obsessing.

Inhale long enough to realize no matter what you do, or how hard you pull, I'll still be further and happier than you.

Try for something less self-destructive.

You just might escape.

Yay yay yay yay, OUCH.

2010-04-12T16:17:00.003-05:00

So this weekend was an incredible one of non-accomplishment. After a full week of work and 5 days running on 18 hours of sleep, I was more than ready for sleep and nothing-ness.

But first we threw a surprise birthday party for Kourtney. Because we knew it would make her throw a fit. And some other reasons, too. Unfortunately, there is no photo documentation of that from me, seeing as I was so exhausted that I was in bed by 1130, staying barely sane by cleaning and organizing until the appropriate sleeping time. I took two pictures. They were both of cupcakes.

I slept for 14 hours, not bothering to get out of my comfortable bed until 130 in the afternoon. It felt good. We sang to Kourtney again. I went to school. I did not study. Instead, I sat outside the library, writing letters and enjoying the sun. Returning home, I found no Olivia or Jo, and set out on a search, only to discover them at the park 8 blocks away. We lay there until it got chilly, then returned home.

I worked on my little brother's graduation invitations/pictures for a good chunk of time, before relenting and allowing my favorite William Sherrer to help me with photoshop, via the wonder

called Skype. But then my job got real easy, once he offered to just do the whole thing himself. I agreed. After all, that is like, his specialty, right? Seemed stupid to say no. Heh.

More sleep. Then shopping with Jo at Walmart before celebration dos for Kourtney. This was a self-inflicted party, though she denies any connection between it and her birthday. Whatever. I brought cupcakes and we sang to her a third time. Volleyball, lunch, bubbles, exploding sodas, mafia, and some Vitamin-D soaking later, we left. But not to end the fun; rather, to go to Braum's, in search of ice cream (or in Nathan's case, Orange juice).

Poor Kourtney was once again a victim of our voices as we sang to her leaving Braum's. She ran. We chased. We won.

Overall, the weekend was relaxing. If only I hadn't put off my studying for so long... I am sunburnt, I am tired, and I am stressing about my 5th Chem test. But God is good, He's big, and He's in complete control. And nothing I can do will ever change that.

This week in the what-I-have-to-look-forward-to department:

Tonight - studying at OCCC and doing homework until they kick me out at 11pm, then heading home to practice my story until the early hours.

Tuesday - 730 arrival at the office, complete with my NOS. Presentation time, more studying, then FINALLY Bible Club early evening. Not having to worry about finishing lesson plans because I did them a whole week in advance = awesome to the extreme.

Wednesday - Chem test 5, then Bible club in the afternoon. Evening run? I think yes.

Thursday - early morning, to late night work plus (hopefully) both of my Bible Clubs. Is it bad to pray that a volunteer won't be ready to teach until next week?

Friday - early morning, COT, BIBLE CLUB, late night...

The weekend is so far away, I can't even see that far. But since it's a test off-week, I'm betting I will be spending my 48 hrs of freedom mostly at a park. Thank you, God, for making man smart enough to come up with the idea of swings.

A summary...

2010-04-05T23:27:00.004-05:00

...of my weekend.
I have slowly become a twitter addict, but in order not appear quite so self-obsessed as I really am, I decided I would text myself every time I got the urge to "tweet" this past weekend. In this way, you will all become aware of my activities, without getting those annoying little messages every five minutes.

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010
2:20am Wake up, wash hair.
2:52am Harassing Matt to shove William out the back door to say bye.
3:01am Pulling out of the driveway, after getting my goodbye from one of my favorite North Carolinans(??)
3:08am Full tank and a blue and orange can of a magic drink called NOS, courtesy of OnCue.
3:21am Turning around because Oklahoma's highways are retarded! Why do I have to go South to get North??!
6:42am Ears popping
6:46am Welcome to Emporia
7:07am Sunrise with Celine
7:58am In Gardner for a refill
8:36am SURPRISE!!! (for Paulish and family)
9:13am Finally home. :)
10am NAP
12:30pm Easter lunch with great aunt, grandparentals, and normal parentals.
2:55pm Passing my favorite Wendy's.
3:19pm Visiting my fav. barista!
3:38pm Blowing bubbles found in Paul's and Peter David's room
4:43pm Lost music found and fought over (I won. :) )
5:06pm Dyeing eggs in brilliant shades
7pm-8:15pm Sitting through the most painful improv performance EVER, with the exception of my clever little brother.
8:30pm Waiting for Marion and Jane!
8:51pm Finally done waiting for Marion and Jane
11:21pm Fighting at McDonalds, running around parking lots, and mandatory trips to "the Hyv"

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

12:42pm After an hour of misery, it's been decided that Jane picks the suckiest movies
1:32am Just realized that in the last 3 days, I've slept just under 9 hours.
10:20am Somehow ran out of clean clothes in my own house
11:29am BABIES!!
2:30pm-3:42pm Starbucks and Senior pictures with the little bro
5:11pm Saying goodbye to Kansas City
5:42pm Skipping through Gardner and stopping at the shell out of tradition
7:14pm Naptime at the rest stop on the interstate
8:45pm Talking to Matt Kyle to stay awake
9:47pm Of course it starts raining as soon as he hangs up. Driving in the rain.
9:52pm Sitting in my car by the side of the road because it is raining so fast and the wind is blowing so hard that driving is seriously scary

Sometime that evening.... Back where I belong. :)

See. How about that? You got to experience (almost) my entire weekend without the annoying buzzing and beeping of your phone to keep you informed. Yes, you are very welcome.

Wreck of the Day

2010-03-28T21:21:00.003-05:00

I spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing.
It's not just on the weekends anymore, but also at night when I got home from work.
This is bad.
The first 7 weeks of my new, exciting life was full of 50 hour weeks, plus school, plus studying some evenings and all weekend, plus cleaning, organizing, and working on fun stuff for my kids the rest of the time.

Where did all my energy go?
Why am I always so tired, so exhausted, and so unmotivated?

I run and I get nowhere.
I breathe and I choke and cough.
My heart feels like an explosion and I wind up curled in a chair, sleeping instead of accomplishing.

Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to re-direct.

Drowning, drowning, drowning....

2010-03-27T12:51:00.004-05:00

I'm discovering more and more that I can't do things alone.
By myself, I accomplish next to nothing.
Oh sure, I get lots done. I love crossing things off my to-do list; in fact, there are few things I find more satisfying. It's a never ending task, but it's consistent and therapeutic.
But as far as actually making any difference... I basically equal fail in that category.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for me trust God with the simplest of things.
It's not that I don't believe He can handle it.
I teach children on an almost-daily basis exactly that - God is bigger than any of their problems, hurts, and fears, and nothing they can do is too bad for Him.

So why can't I put those teachings into practical steps for myself?
Why is it so hard to give it to God and allow Him to do what He's promised?
I make things much more complicated than is necessary for life.

In other news, I'm hoping dead week was just that - a week.
I brought it upon myself, of course, but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be over.
Only seven more weeks until academic freedom and the much sought-after Chemical A.
I will get it. Just wait and see. I'll become a nerd, even if it means studying all night, every night.

Sorting through all my pictures from this past summer - mostly camp and day camps - to upload to the server on Tuesday. Heartbreaking and happy at the same time.
Sad for what I miss, excited because many of the kids I still get to see every week.

And then there's the one's who've moved away, even since I came back.
Those hurt the most, because I know I can't take back frustrations or give more truth and love.
Time goes by far too quickly here, though it sometimes feels like it's barely crawling by.

Wanted to go home for Easter, to see my family and favorites from KC.
But that fell through. It's okay though - I will still be home in June, for a brother's wedding and for the other brother's play and gradumation. And I'm excited about all of those. :)

But more than that, I'm ready for this week to begin, despite it all.

<3

Little star brightening up the warm night air

2010-03-23T21:37:00.002-05:00

Wrapping my arms around you tight,
Burying my face in your soft, curly hair.
Trying not to trip as I carry you home,
Holding tight and wanting to never let go.

A little warmth and love.
Small beam of sunshine and happy.
Trying desperately to warm this cold and confused heart.

There's going to be a beautiful day....

2010-02-20T13:11:00.004-06:00

I can't keep holding on, despite everything I have.
Hope is ever present, given that promise.

Attempting to hold on, ever only onto You.

Precious baby girl, I've seen your marks
I've seen what happens to you when no one stands up
Will those feelings ever be forgotten?
What impact that has on you and your outlook
Is life meant to be that difficult?
Not even four, but further bruised and scarred
More than any I've ever seen
I'm trying to enter your world
While all you want is escape
Lord, You love her overwhelming
Too young to understand
Struggling to grasp the simplest thoughts
Help him plant truth in her heart
Holding with love, hugging with prayers
I never want to let go
My hope for you is to find escape
In the arms of the One who will never leave or abandon
Discovering hope in a Love that doesn't end
Never letting go.

This is why I'm here. That is why I came. She is why I never want to leave. I don't care if I don't get 6 hours of sleep a night. So what if I don't have any friends outside of work? There's more to life than "having fun". I love the people I live with. Yes, I also work with the same people, five days a week. Getting sick of the same faces happens, but it's solvable. 50 hour weeks are consuming, tacking a difficult college course on top of it. I'm afraid of a burnout, but then I hear her story, or I find information on his brother, or I'm told of her mistake and the drastic life-altering situation. That's all I need to keep going. Pushing harder is not about me but about His love and everything only He can do. Nothing I do will ever rescue. But what I can do is show love, share hope, be constant, and give them something they can never lose. Knowledge of the One who created, loves and saves - more important than anything ever learned in school.

This is my passion, this is why I'm here, and this is why I can say I've never been happier than I am right now, right here.

~*~Matthew 19:14
~*~Mark 9:37

It's raining paper hearts...

2010-02-14T14:18:00.003-06:00

Don't flatter yourself. It's not aBout you or everything you did or didn't do. You didn't break me. There's nothing to erase but that which has already vanished. What's left is only scar tissue layered by life. I stay here in the daRk with you.

Stop your psychoanalysis. I'm not a damaged toy you can glue together. There is no "help" in that mind. Keep prowling. I've listed the situations tO those who need to absolve. You claim personalized information (just let go) but you would bolt should I open that vessel, displaying sins one and all.

Do you really want to see the blurs that close and clear?

This is not a puzzle you can solve.

I am not a game you can win.

Stop stealing the sugar pacKets. Free of charge, they only come with coffee

purchase. Replace the lightbulbs. Your dark

embrace won't cover me if I'm standing in the rays. I've built

up a defense against your kind. My straw walls stand straight

to the sky. No, don't blow them apart. As long as you don't try

to break them, my paper hearts remain hiddeN.

Put away your self-righteous eyes. You know less better than I.

They gave me time to think.

Time to Decide.

Spaces to Choose.

I let it come too close. Grab ahold of the breath and Thread intentions through pale, shallow skin They know why you're here and what you want.

Paper hearts begin their scream across the shiveRs.

Give pause.

Don't inhale the fear.

Hovering nearer. Blue-er.

Ever tracing.

Silence ensUes.

Stretching from corner to lips.

Calm lungs, weighted in a moment.

don't

make

chooSe.

Hello, crescendo. Breath to give in and let go. Shrieking escalation, pierced as distance closes.

Ragged confetti flutters through negaTive.

But the truth remains constant --

I am my own worst enemy.

Out past 6am with the one I love (liar)

2010-01-17T00:34:00.004-06:00

Here in calm.

Safe where I am.
Underlying grasps.

Fear hovering, always.

But ever only for you.

Temptations seeping in from all sides.
Emotions you've wrought from my heart.
You can only create baggage.

We were reckless, on purpose.

Another encounter furthering damage already done.
And yet, I repeat and relinquish.
Pain as consciousness of what I've lost overwhelms.

Then only waves.

Standing still.
Feel you crashing.

Breathing in.

Audible exhalations evening.

Silence from all shadows.

All screams follow.

Ghosts follow, surrounding.

Escape is not an option.

Only forgiveness.

I must wipe my slate clean.

Paperthin Hymn

2009-12-03T01:11:00.008-06:00

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing,
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Never underestimate my Jesus.

>>Matthew 11:28
<>>Psalm 100:3

Frozen Marshmallows and the Gateway to HELL

2009-10-08T22:45:00.005-05:00

The past couple of months have been... an adventure.
And it's the best kind of adventure, because one is never exactly quite sure what might happen next. Until it does happen. A whirlwind of excitement, confrontations, and partying practically 24/7. Too much to cover, so many late night laughs, and not nearly enough words to capture the awkward moments. So for now, simply a few highlights.

First - Fiji's Dress to Kill party. Margauex and I basically crashed it, and we both gained from this midnight crazyness.

Also, this is the night I first played Beer Pong - sans beer, believe it or not. That's right. At this frat party, we played Water Pong.

Kudos to Matt for being a stellar partner despite my lack of coordination and skill.
And yes, I did quite enjoy my time at the dry tiki bar.

We didn't get home until after 3am, but it was time well spent.

Another night involved Sarah joining us for some deep conditioning - a tip from our friends at Great Clips. Thanks to those fabulous shower caps, we all now possess very soft, shiny hair. Ha.

We have also developed this tendency to go to Walmart on a regular basis. We'll call it daily. Margauex, Cassie, and Sarah all take turns driving.
Leah sometimes, too. This, however, is not a trip to Walmart. We're on our way to Cassie's brother's house to do some serious partying for her birthday. She drives an RX-8. Oh yes, you can be jealous. I am.

Going home this past weekend was a nice change of pace. A VERY long car ride back with Byron and his roommate resulted in a fun few hours of talking with my mom - something I miss more than almost anything here in Manhattan. My mom is basically my best friend, and even though I call her EVERY SINGLE DAY, it's still not quite the same as talking face to face.

Later that night, I joined my favorite Marion and Amelia for cheesecake with Jane at the factory, as well as a late night movie and sleepover. Saturday morning came early though, and we made the short venture to Shawnee Mission Park for the Lupus Walk. Elise (the reason for our annual participation in this event) actually took this picture. I love it, though I'm apparently unable to make eye contact with the camera.
That afternoon brought me a brief nap, a shower, two hours of shopping at TJMaxx (and yes, I did find some amazing jackets), plus a couple hours with Paul. The only downside of the afternoon was the food poisoning I got from my apple cider. Regardless, it was a very enlightening and productive afternoon. Later that night a bunch of us got together at Amelia's to celebrate her 22nd. We had Italian food and Birch Izze. Don't ask.
Then at 2:30am Sunday morning, I get a phone call from Margauex and Sarah, who proceed to inform me that they just escaped Stull Cemetery and are on their way to kidnap me. They arrive at the Boyd home in record time and follow me in my mother's beautiful car back to my house, where they decide they are tired and would rather just go to sleep. It worked out beautifully, since the aunt's home they were supposed to sleep at was mysteriously MIA. What's more, they INSISTED that the three of us all sleep on my futon. My poor little futon was not built for three girls with heights ranging from 5'2" to 6'2". Oh, and Sarah snores.

I went to church to get my obligatory hugs from people I hadn't seen since August, then Sarah and Margauex and I headed to Missouri, because apparently KFC is the best thing ever. Our next stop was Stull Cemetery, which is apparently not near as scary early afternoon as it is at 2 in the morning. Regardless, we got some beautiful shots in Stull, which, by the way, is claimed to be one of the gateway's to hell. Thus, Margueax's motivation to go there.

Interestingly enough, by the time we actually found Stull and got out of the car, a hick found us and told us to clear out before the cops spotted us to haul us to jail. We decided to take the threat seriously, as it appeared he wouldn't leave us alone until we continued on our way. So, no, we never made it inside of Stull Cemetery.

Our last stop on the short road trip required a peek into Sarah's house, as well as a photo op at the capital, as Margauex, being from California, had never seen Topeka. We ended up doing some window shopping across from the mall in Topeka, as well as chatting it up with Andy, who has a broken arm. Because he was in a motorcycle accident. (Paul, I hope you're paying attention.)

We got home ridiculously late, considering the time we left Kansas City. But I guess that 6 hours getting home beats the 8 hours it took them to get there.

This week has been mostly homework and catch up, despite the fact that we had class off on Monday. It's movie night practically every night in Sarah and Leah's room. As well as Walmart day, every single day.

Leah and Sarah also got a new piece of furniture, a couch that brings everyone to their room during the day. Me? I simply provide the frozen marshmallows.

"The world could be BURNING dark blue.."

2009-10-06T10:01:00.005-05:00

I have you breathing down my neck.
I don't what you could possibly expect under this condition, so
I'll wait for the ambulance to come.
Pick us up off the floor.
What did you possibly expect under this condition, so

Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue .
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you.
I said the world could be burning down.
Dark blue.
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue...
Just dark blue.

This flood is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition, so
I'll swim as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down.
And now all I can see are the planets in a row,
Suggesting it's best that I slow down.

This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue.
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room, when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down.
Dark blue.
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? well I'm here with you.
I said the world could be burning dark blue

Now there's nothing but dark blue.

If you've ever been alone in the dark blue...
If you've ever been alone you'll know.

Hey, you... Yeah. You. I know you're following me.
I don't mind. I pretend to brush it off.
But really, I wish you wouldn't stop.
What's more, I somehow miss you...
How does that happen in 62 days?
I don't know either.
But it did.
And I was.
And you.... are.
Most definitely.

I think.

"Does it take your breath away?"

2009-07-22T01:24:00.016-05:00

How do I occupy my mind as of late?
In any way that I can.

I've been opening my days with 80 beautiful, sore, painful and peaceful minutes.

I've come to realize that showers are essential after 6+ miles. This creates the ultimate oxymoron.
After I am refreshingly clean and fruity smelling, I depart for an afternoon filled with this:

Which, of course, results in this (which I happen to love):
Basically, I made bank this past week working 52.5 hours in Pie Land. That's twelve and a half hours of overtime (calculated for those of you less than savvy at math individuals). Thank you Judy, Jane and Marion, for going out of town for 8 days. Because of you, I can now afford the clothing pictured far below (by far, I mean the very bottom of this post. Have patience. We'll reach it eventually).

These are currently the bane of my existence. Ever heard of hand cramps? If not, try hand peeling and slicing 45 of these. There's a reason pie costs 19 bucks. Labor ain't cheap, kids.

Two of my favorite dish-washing boys. Aren't they cute? I made them sit down and eat pieces of pie on Friday. Kyle/Darling Matthew got broken peach, and Ben got stunted french silk. They acted like it was a chore and were only doing it to please me, but I'm pretty sure deep down, they were thrilled.

Saturday evening brought a concert at our church. Marion and I attended with high hopes of attaining some cheesecake. Unfortunately, we had been misinformed, because there was none to be found on the premises. We departed at a late hour, reaching the heavenly factory and ordering by 11pm. We took our time deciding on our ecstasy. After all, one can't be impulsive when selecting a seven dollar slice of cheesecake.

This next part is where my hour and a half of pain come in handy, because it will appear that Marion and I do nothing but eat. You see, Marion and I love ice cream. In fact, I'm pretty sure that we love it at least as much as we love cheesecake. We're not too picky about our ice cream, either. Today we had HyVee brand and Wendy's. Sorbet rarely makes an appearance. Last week we had Winstead's. We make it a goal to finish a skyscraper.
Even with three, we can't accomplish this great feat. Thanks, Jane, for leaving the leftovers in my truck, overnight. Regardless, we go all-out for immediate gratification whenever we feel the urge.

We also seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Asians. Dentists, especially.

~~~

It is a rare event that I enter the spacious, inviting addiction that is TJMaxx and depart without some dress I can't live without. I decided it was high time I introduced Marion to this illuminating experience. She fell in love with a pantsuit, at first sight, of course. I grabbed a handful of dresses of a clearance rack. Number 1 - a cute grey dress I came home with at the end of the night. Unnecessary, but my current affair. Numero dos - a too-large-all-over floral that was too old lady to be in the Junior's section, not to mention too expensive for something so wretched. Number three, as you can tell from the above picture, was a gem. Perfect fit, perfect color, and perfect neckline. Never mind the fact that I looked like I hooker. I carefully hung it and placed in back on the racks before I left. Mom, you should be so proud.

We finished off our evening of fun and spending by (first) hitting up Hen House for salad bar, almonds, a banana nut muffin, and Naked, then on to the Cinemark. We payed our 6 bucks (well, Marion payed our 12 bucks, since I was still without cash) and spent the next one hour and forty-eight minutes eating contraband salad snuck into said theatre while watching one of the best movies I've seen this year. Not too difficult, since I've seen very few in theatres this year; nontheless, we agreed it was excellent and well worth our money.

~~~

I've been introducing myself to all varieties of new music these days. I get so sick of running to the same songs over and over. Green Day, Regina Spektor, Muse and the Silversun Pickups have jumped their way onto my "6 Miles to Go" playlist. Sometimes, I surprise even myself. Perhaps I'm not quite so predictable as they often find me to be...

When you're at the end of the road,
And you've lost all sense of control,
Your thoughts have taken their toll.
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul,
Your faith walks on broken glass,
And the hangover doesn't pass,
Nothing's ever built to last.
You're in ruins.

"We're adults....

2009-07-02T02:53:00.003-05:00

When did that happen?

And how do we make it stop?"

uoıʇɐʇsǝ1oM /buıʇɐɹǝB ʎ11ɐnʇǝdɹǝP

2009-05-27T00:29:00.008-05:00

Face down; this is where it leads you. (hell)
Too far.
Buried covered now. (too late, too late, too late)
You'll find peace in the earth aground. (or not)
Stop now, there's no point in breathing.
It's not allowed.

If I was a MISTAKE, I might have nowhere left to go. (It was a mistake) (I am a mistake)
But I know that I cannot go home.
These words are trapped inside my head. (screaming)
Tell me to run before I'm dead. (I'm dead, I'm dead)

I just want to scream and lose control. (can't stop screaming)
Throw my hands up and let it go.
I just want to fall and lose myself. (quiescent) (paralyzed) (nowhere and alone)
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell. (the irony kills)

Chase the rainbows in my mind. (high?) (indeed) (and painfully sober)
And I will try to stay alive. (but I won't) (what's the point?)
Maybe the world will know one day. (but care?) (not a chance)
Why won't you help me run away? (you can't stop me) (can't save me)

sTop.

Wreck of the Day (Anna Nalick)

2009-05-21T00:31:00.005-05:00

It's not that words fail me.
But I'm failing words, and you.
Constantly you.
It's not the late hour.
Victim...

I think maybe I've figured it out.
I'm not afraid.
Um. No...
You can't come that close.
If you get any nearer I swear it'll create a rupture in the system.
Cracking of lack of closure.
No, don't touch.
You'll only further splinter what's already broken.

Shield.
Consume.
Conceal.
Suppress.

Do you see how much affection that contains?
Can you tell how much energy exists within that single breath?
Too much, and yet never enough.
Observed from a distance.
Exhausting me in less than a glance.

Breathless.
Overwhelmed.

I would let you try...
But your love would smother me, effortlessly.
Your fingertips... tiring.
An embrace... draining.
I can't begin to imagine how that would quickly that would kill me.

So go on.... do your worst.
If you still care.
If you still want me.
Try once more.
Take what you will.
I won't resist.

Just... don't touch me.

Into the Fire (Thirteen Senses)

2009-05-19T22:56:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry.
I don't know how.
You'll just have to figure it out for yourself.

When you find time, of course.

Self-destruction Innocuous

2009-05-14T22:46:00.005-05:00

And yet I finally understand the misgivings and the failures, for you see, I am sabotaging myself. It's a vicious cycle I can't seem to stop, with the question of "why?" ever lingering... I cannot give an honest answer, because honestly, I haven't a clue.

"Two Days in February" - The Goo Goo Dolls

2009-05-03T09:09:00.002-05:00

Don't expect me to be myself again.
I did what you wanted, what I wanted.
"I'm sorry" that wasn't good enough for you.
"I'm sorry" I can't be compliant enough to go along with all of your crap and accept your wrong decisions, pretending they aren't there.
I'm not judging.
I just don't understand why you don't understand.

I left it up to you.
I gave you the choice, to let you decide what you wanted more.
You made a point to leave it like that.
Apparently, you'd rather not have me.
Don't tell me this is my fault.
We both know it's not.
I said, "bye".

Within 24 hours we broke it.
We have such talent.
I wanted you to be happy.
I was trying very hard.
Why did you have to make it so difficult?
Why was that not good enough for you?

I'm not insecure.
I just don't understand why you're going to choose those over me.
I'm not asking for that much.
Just a conversation free of that air.

I won't apologize for that.
I am how I am; take it or leave it.
Either I'm worth it to you, or I'm not.

Don't lie to me.

Gutterflower

2009-04-25T23:24:00.007-05:00

I got caught in the ruse of the world
It's just a promise no one ever keeps
And now it's changing while we sleep
And no one here can see

What does she do when she finds herself in a state of obsolete in your world? She moves on. It's not because she's giving up on you, or him, or even that girl she used to love as close as a sister. She can keep fighting, keep trying, and continue to only sort-of help. But at some point, she's going to question her actions. Were they really benefiting you? Her? Anyone? As doubt, until now only slowly creeping in, begins dominating her existence, she realizes that unless she moves on and away, she will be stuck here. Here in your life, with you - not just always being there for you, but trying her best to live it for you. Attempting to fix every problem, small or large, and do whatever necessary to make you happy and perfect your life. Despite what she knows... will she ever escape? I, too, am beginning to have my doubts about her departure.

I'm not the girl who gives up as soon as life gets rough. I admit to being the girl who sits in a parking lot for two hours because there's a massive spider hiding in her car and she can't locate a manly individual to come find and kill it for her. But I'm not one for giving up.

I miss spending every waking second with you, doing anything and everything with you, and keeping you as close to me as possible. But then sometimes... I realize that among all the laughter and fun, I was still not satisfied. I love you still, and now, and always. But I'm learning how to fly without your hand to guide me. It's beautiful, glorious, and startling. Overwhelming excitement and joy, spilling over from the depths of my heart. Rushing feelings from the pit of my stomach as I close my eyes and twirl, dancing and laughing with the music releasing all inhibitions and insecurities.

Younger, just as dark and confused. I wish I could give you what you want. Questions, answers, and uninhibited love. Your subtle demands for attention don't escape me. I want to try for you. I want to let you know I'm still here, I'm still listening, and I haven't forgotten. I want to give you what you want... but I'm scared to death of the possibilities that follow the intimacies of knowing your pain.

And you - I don't even know what happened to you. You were in my life one week, and gone the next? Did you grow up overnight? Can you not let go and be a little irresponsible every once in a while? You claim to feel alone, like we all left you, distancing ourselves, physically or emotionally. But we only did so in response to you... We hurt because you don't make time for us, when we plan so painstakingly to make time special for you. Are you really that busy? Do you truly have things better to do, or others closer to your heart? How is that possible? When did we lose you? And how do we get you back...?

I like my space. I don't know how I'd survive without it. And sometimes I am going to push you away, because there's no more words to say. Overwhelmed. I hate to tell you this, but hugs don't fix problems. They just make you forget for a little while. I flourish under attention, love, and physical affection. But I know that as soon as your arms are no longer around me and your lips are further away, those same fears and disappointments return.

I can't be what you want me to be. I'm still figuring out what I want me to be, so how could I possibly conform to your ideals for my actions? Don't assume I'm ignoring you. Don't decide that since I haven't made frequent, obvious efforts that I don't care or that I want nothing from you.

I want far too much. And usually, what I want the most, I should not have.

All's fair in love and war...

2009-04-24T23:15:00.001-05:00

Happy hump day, kids.

2009-04-22T23:03:00.005-05:00

As some of the population may be aware, today is Hump Day.
For those too less cultured to be acquainted with this very special day, please allow me to inform you of the characteristics of said weekly experience.

HUMP DAY

defined as:

Wednesday, or the hump of the week. The absolute BEST day of the week, the day of maximum hope that maybe, you might make it out of this week alive.*

Now that we are all on the same page, I'd like to take this moment to declare my undying affection and admiration for a certain best friend belonging to me. As a result of our brilliance, we now possess the key to ensuring a happy hump day from beginning(6am for a select few of us) to end(a minute 'til midnight).

As my beloved phrased her agreement to my new plan just before 8am, "Hey, it's go big or go home!"

I'm sure that at this point, you are preparing to get down on your knees to beg admittance into the knowledge guaranteeing what we have deemed a "kickass hump". However, since I firmly abide by the adage of a thousand words conveyed through a single picture, I will show you one of these famed, thousand-word-equivalent images to replace only two words (which, btw, means you can mark me up for being 998 words ahead of the game).

That's right. Ice cream (or frozen yogurt, etc - let's not get caught up in the finer details).

Ah, yes. But here is the catch(or frosting on the cake!) - said ice cream must be consumed as your first, most important meal of the day. In other words, for breakfast. Why? I shake my head sadly at your ignorance. It is well known that ice cream is the ultimate guide to one's happiness. If one begins one's day on the correct track, from the first minute, then one's day cannot possibly go wrong.

So go crazy: dig out your biggest cereal bowl, select your favorite brand and flavor, drown your scoops in an abundance of toppings, and cram large spoonfuls into your mouth. For those of you more refined, controlled, and/or on a diet, you may prefer to take dainty bites of sugar-free, fat-free, flavorless vanilla from a custard dish. Should you choose to do this, I regret to inform you that your hump day will most likely not reach its kick assing-est potential. If at all.

So, yes, you are correct - that was indeed me you saw this morning at 7am on the highway, an eye on my speedometer as I systematically licked the sides of my ice cream bar. I confess- No! I I embrace that action wholeheartedly.

Did my Hump day turn out fabulously kick ass?

duh.

Calling all angels....

2009-04-21T22:16:00.010-05:00

My favorite things.
Bluntly.
All happy, beautiful things.
~Babies play a significant role in my life five sevenths of the week. I still can't get over how I got a job I'm passionate about for such good pay. Along with a work schedule that fits into my life so perfectly, it could only be a blessing from God. I'm going to miss my little people so much in the fall.
~Ice cream, sherbert, frozen yogurt, soft-serve, or any other variation of cold, sweet happiness in scoops - easily my favorite thing to eat.
~Fragrances with which I'm willing to self-spritz in large doses - fruit blends in exotic medleys.
~Too many favored candies narrowed down to the kaleidoscope of brilliant hues, chewy and long lasting.
~My choice beverage, preferably without caffeination, as I tend to experience intense quivering movements when consumed in excess.
~A discovery made two years ago, when I received a precious gift from a special friend, consequently ruining me for any other flower. Roses? No, thank you. Daffodils? Give a smile for an inside joke, but they are still not beloved. Gerber daisies or no petals on a stem for me, please.
~A sigh from my heart for something long lost. Eleven years of singing notes and floating melodies, all forgotten, as beauty like that is fated to escape when praxis and discipline dwindle.
~Future dreams and plans with best friends - catalysts for completion of a college degree with impending vows of nunhood, tanning, and arizona boys with no shirts.
~Windows into your soul. Show me an eye you deem unbeautiful and I'll declare you a liar. Without - one's world is bleak, narrow, and clouded. Open yours and allow yourself to see the Beauty. Embrace what you see to be perfect, pure, and unchanging.

Small children still with missing vowels and hugs for a favorite teacher(an honor I claim with pride) - even they can believe and trust in something unseen, following blindly with faith of a love from someone sure to keep them safe and save them from harm.

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head.
When you feel the world shake from the things that are said.
I won't give up if you don't give up.
I won't give up if you don't give up.

I'm not giving up, so don't you dare give up.

I ask you to come no closer, for fear you'll see the scars of my heart's deepest pain, displayed for all to witness...

2009-04-20T22:45:00.004-05:00

To think that what used to be my greatest obsession has quickly faded into my past.
Days crawled by painfully, but the temptation was no longer imminent. Lost was my alleged solution to turmoil. When all you can do is scream from the heart of silence, what else do you turn towards? Air escapes in hushed staccato. Rain taps lightly on opaque glass windows. Drizzle mingles with the deluge of crimson. Dulled edge of clouded metal now hidden far from pallid skin.

What possible good could emanate from tears that bitter and demented?

Just this and no more -

Love

Happy 1 year anniversary to me.

Fighting the anxiety attack....

2009-03-05T02:01:00.001-06:00

. . . . .breathing in.

Breathing out. . . . .

repeat.

This is difficult....

2009-03-01T22:43:00.002-06:00

...much more difficult than I wish it were.

And yet, somehow, much less painful that I imagined.

Maybe it will hit me later. In fact, I'm sure of it.

I'll regret my choice, though it was, without a doubt, the right decision.

I beg God to not let me falter. This has not been fair to me and I can't believe I've allowed it to continue this way for so long.

I'm not meant to live my life this way - always wishing, wanting, and desiring something I cannot and will not ever have. Choosing to "follow my heart" (for isn't that what media and stories silently scream at us?) and deciding to not follow my Creator.

What a slap in the face to God.

So I'm falling back, stepping out, and returning to the humble position on my knees - in constant prayer.

I'm going to wait. For as long as it takes me to figure it all out.

Or, rather, for as long as it takes me to listen and accept His masterpiece of a plan for my insignificant life.

God, how can you possibly take me and my horrible, wretched, rebellious heart and turn it into something beautiful?
It's unfathomable to me that You could have a plan for my life.
I don't understand what You're showing me, and I dislike it with such a passion.
But, Lord, I'm trusting You now, and begging you to give me a patient heart as I wait for what and whom You are sending next into my life.

Love,
Directionless in the Middle of Everywhere and Nothing
(a.k.a. me)

Psalm 40 - because it's beautiful and I love it.

2009-02-10T00:02:00.002-06:00

Psalm 40: 1 - 8

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock,
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak of them, they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come -
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.

Reducing myself to lame-ness....

2009-02-01T23:26:00.002-06:00

I've always said that people who post only song lyrics or a song link are either a)too insecure to put their own work in the sight of others, or b) too lazy and/or incompetent to actually write something worth reading.

I am such a hypocrite.

I wish that I was not actively turning myself into one of those people.
I also wish that I had a better way to convey my thoughts and feelings.
Though, actually, now that I think about it, I'm kinda glad that I cant. Can you spell "vulnerable"?

Look up the song. It's better with music.

Thinking Out Loud

I've been losing my mind
I've been living a lie
I've been running away
For so long
I try to put on a face
And cover my heart
But I'm needing it now
So bad

I don't know
How I feel
Maybe I'm mad
Or maybe I'm proud
Can't find the truth
Can't speak my mind
Don't know what Ill say
I'm just thinking out loud
Thinking out loud

No, no I cant explain
What's happened to me
I feel like I'm right
And wrong
Inside everything's upside down
Everything's spinning around
And it's freaking me out

I don't know
How I feel
Maybe I'm mad
Or maybe I'm proud
Can't find the truth
Can't speak my mind
Don't know what Ill say
I'm just thinking out loud

If only for a day
I could be free
I bet you'd feel the same
If you were me
I'm gonna spit it out
Just let go.
I've been losing my mind
I've been living a lie
I've been running away
For so long

I don't know
How I feel
Maybe I'm mad
Or maybe I'm proud
Can't find the truth
Can't speak my mind
I don't know what Ill say
I'm just thinking out loud
I'm thinking out loud
Thinking out loud
Can't find the truth
Can't speak my mind
I don't know what Ill say
I'm just thinking out loud.

Young man, there's no need to feel down...

2009-01-17T21:00:00.002-06:00

There is only one good thing about running indoors.
Scratch that.
Make it two good things.

Numero uno - the YMCA has these machines that tell you how far you've run. I like that. It bothers me not knowing how far I've gone in an hour, and those machines, though probably not exactly accurate, give me a pretty good idea.

Second - you have nothing to run into when you're on a treadmill. It's great. You can set your speed and then run with your eyes closed without worrying about colliding with another person, a tree, or moving vehicles. I love it. It's easier to think when everything is dark. But the staff don't encourage patrons to flip the light switches when they're still open, even if said patron is the ONLY one in the ENTIRE building.

Killjoys.

Sometimes I plug in my iPod and blast music through my earbuds.
But not tonight.
Tonight, I just I close my eyes and tune out everything but the thump of feet hitting the treadmill.

thump. thump. thump. thump. thump.

Thank you, YMCA, for saving me hundreds on a therapist.

Breathe. Speak. Sandbags.

2009-01-16T00:36:00.006-06:00

Today I chose to take the highway home from work. I didn't come to actually work. I'm not needed.

Despite what I say, I really do love the snow. It's unbelievable. It was more beautiful at 6am this morning, but it's not too shabby at 1pm, either. Not as shimmery. But still, pretty. And not quite as cold.

It looks like most of the snow on 435 E. has either been cleared or melted. About time. It was so bad this morning, I just took College all the way to school. More fishtailing that way, but it gives me more space and less cars in truck's way(a good thing, considering the instability it frequently displays on slick roads).

Seems to me like the cars come in waves on the highway. It's not a steady stream, but rather a group of vehicles, then empty space, then another cluster, then more space. You get the picture. I like to avoid these waves. Normally I would speed up to pass just enough of the cars to be smack in the middle of one of these voids. My void. Not today. This was one of those "slow-down" days. Pulling back just enough to let them all fall ahead of me in disorganized placement.

Snowplows. Pft. Lame. It's as if they completely ignored the far left lane - my preferred lane. Fine. Whatever. I'll just move. I don't even care.

I glance into my rearview as I ease into the next lane over. A bad habit of mine. Moving before looking. It'll catch up with me one day, I'm sure. But right now I can't even see the next wave. Must be behind the curve.

I turn my eyes back to the road in front of me and notice that I've gone halfway into the third lane. Drat. I give a slight jerk to wheel as I try and maintain my place in the second lane from the left. Too much. I fishtail. Just a little. Just enough to make me nervous. Just enough to make me release the accelerator and tap my brake. Whoops. My truck bed fishtails more and I'm in the left lane again. More snow in this lane. Packed, flat, and frozen. I quickly try to recall my brother's instructions from two years ago when he was the one driving on ice. Turn your wheel in the direction your bed is going. It doesn't work. The fishtailing motion becomes faster and more crazed. I'm repeating the motions, but it's hard to tell if I'm doing it right. I let go and throw my hands an inch above the wheel as my truck frantically fishtails across lanes.

Spinning. Snow. I can't process the pictures fast enough as my eyes take in the flashing, moving picture. Show me snow covering all the lanes now. Or maybe it's still just that one left lane. I'm not sure.

Spinning. Make it stop. Dizzy. Have I gone off the road yet? Looking forward tells me nothing except that I'm still spinning. My left window. I only see myself going one direction out that window. Left. I'm almost all the way across the rest of the lanes. Are there really only four? Seems like it should take less time for me to-.

Hill. I've stopped spinning. Now I'm simply sliding. Closer. I don't like hills. Am I slowing down? I can see myself sliding off the road. Off the hill. Down the hill. Flipping over. Once. Twice.

But I don't feel it. What's that word my Composition II teacher used to end each class period? French or something. Denouement. climax. close. completion. conclusion. finale. end. End? End. End. END. No. God, please make it stop. God, God...oh. I am stopping. I've stopped.

My hands back on the wheel. Cold. Fumbling, I find my gear shift and put myself in park. I slide down in my seat, unclipping my seatbelt and throwing it to the side. Breathe. Breathing. Slowing down.

Watching the next wave as it passes me. I can see their faces. I can see their faces? Glancing to both sides, I finally figure it out. I'm facing the wrong direction. But I'm not in the road. I'm not on the highway. I'm on the hill. It's not quite as steep as I thought. But I'm at the top. I'm stopped. I'm safe, as long as I don't move.

I should...call someone? Where's my phone? Who do I call? My mom? No. Worst idea ever. Talk about a freaking out party. Besides, she'd be coming 435 W. From the wrong direction.

My breathing isn't slowing down. Why not? Ssh. I'm fine. Stop.

In my mind, I quickly run through my options of people coming from the "right" direction. Oh. Yeah. Duh. Dial. Green phone-shaped button. Phone ringing. "Hello?"
My voice is shaking- "Hi. It's me."
"You okay?"
"Um..." I'm silent. Why am I silent? Why am I not saying anything? TALK.
"I'm fine...but I spun around off the highway and-"

I jump as someone knocks on my window. I roll down my window as I look over to see who it is that's outside my door. Another display of me moving before thinking it through. Some guy in overalls in standing outside my door with sunglasses and a snow cap on. Geez. What kind of weirdos do they have wandering around Lenexa, anyway?

"Hey, you okay? Need some help?"
"Ummm.......Iiiuhhh..." I'm getting good at this stupid loss for words thing.

"Hey, Melissa?" He knows my name? No. That would be your phone, stupid. Right. I forgot I had it pressed up to my ear still.
"Oh, um, I'll call you back, okay?" Slide it shut. I probably should have waited for an answer. Mute and rude. Double up the incompetent points for today. Awesome.

I turn back to the odd farmer. Young farmer. Whatever. Maybe he just likes overalls. I have got to stop letting my thoughts wander. I'm getting absolutely nowhere on the "stuck-in-the-snow-facing-the-wrong-direction-at-the-top-of-a-hill-next-to-the-highway" situation.

I can't remember whether or not I ever answered his question, so I try again, this time doing my absolute best to not sound like an idiot.
"Um, I'm fine... I just...I'm not really sure what to do from here."

I was hoping he had some ideas. I was pretty confident he did. After all, he was the mysterious stranger. Or an angel, maybe. It's not everyday someone happens to be wandering around near someone in desperate need of help. Yeah, I'll bet he's got at least one great plan. He had me do the total obvious that I, of course, would never have thought of until after I'd done something stupid. The next five minutes went by slowly as he stood by my door, one hand on the hood, one hand on the rolled down window, guiding me back in the right direction.

Slowly, slowly. "Turn your wheel all the way to the right. Pull forward. A little more, it's okay, you're not going to pull out into traffic. A little more. They have to move around my truck anyway." His what?

I peer out my rear window. He's right. He has a freaking huge semi truck, and there is no way they have any choice but to go around it, since he parked himself in the right lane, just ahead of me. Guess he's not a wandering farmer-angel. I absently note that he's using his double blinking flashing lights. I'll have to tell Paul. And maybe find out what they're really called. I've always wanted an excuse to use mine. Too bad I didn't think of it until now. Mr. "Not-really-a-farmer-but-really-a-truck-driver" might think it's weird if I hit that button now while he's trying to help me turn around.

Oh, look. There's another one. He doesn't look like a farmer though. He's directing cars around the semi. How nice. He looks silly, but I'm not one to sneeze at knights in shining armor, so I keep my thoughts to myself.

"Okay, now turn your wheel all the way to the left. Now back up. Keep going. Keep going. Okay, now turn your wheel all the way to the right. All the way. Pull forward." Over and over again. And again. "Now when you pull out, do it slowly. Start out slow and slowly build up speed. You should be fine. Not much sliding." Thank you so much. He and guy number 2 are running back towards their massive vehicle. Did I say it out loud?

I follow their lead and slowly pull into the right lane. My phone rings. Figures.

"Hi."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, some guys helped me get turned around."
"You sure you're okay? You want me to come get you and take you home?"

I was driving by this time. Slowly. Carefully. In the lane with no snow. No ice.

"No, um, I'll be fine."
"You sure? I could come get you and..."

It sounded like a good idea. I didn't want to be driving. I was still so close to crying. So close to a panic attack. Someone, anyone, would be better than nothing. But what would we do with my truck? How exactly would I explain this to my mom? Ugh.

"...no... I think I'll be fine now. I'm driving. I should go."
"Okay. Call me when you get home?"
"Yeah. Bye"

I got home. Thirty minutes later. I had another almost-panic-attack when I exited off the highway and driving over a bridge, began sliding again. I got home.

I parked behind mom's shiny red new car. Still covered in snow. Thick snow. Mom hadn't been out of the house yet today.

Unlocked and kicked the door to get in. Dumped my stuff on the floor right inside my bedroom and sat on my bed to take off all my winter gear. Mom. When she appeared in my doorway, I casually mentioned that I would like a few more sandbags for the back of my truck. "I still slide around a bit." Even the highway was scary today, mom.

"As long as you're going slowly and being careful, you should be fine." Yeah, mom. Okay. If you say so. I'd decided earlier that I wasn't going to tell mom about my truck's assassination attempt on my life. What good would it do? She'd worry. Fuss. Tell me to be careful. Maybe keep me from leaving again for a bit. Who knows what else.

It's just much simpler this way.

Hello, denouement.

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-08T03:05:00.003-06:00

A brand new year.
A fresh start.
A new semester.
The chance to try again, "officially".

Let's give this another shot, shall we?

Mocha....mmm......

2007-10-03T15:50:00.000-05:00

I managed to consume seven shots of espresso in two 16oz Mocha's from Java Jazz between 9:30am and 2:30pm.

Aaaaaah. I love the buzz. It's driving my mom crazy, but I think it's kinda fun. Except for the part where I can only sit down for about two minutes at a time.

My sneezes come 5-8 at a time. Is that weird?

Good news: Going to the Powell Observatory tomorrow night with my astronomy class. Oh boy! Fun stuff!

Even better news: True Life Retreat on Friday/Saturday. Yay for a new location! Yay for a homework-free weekend! Yay for Alex coming home for the weekend and going with us!

Mm, yes. This is a good week, methinks.

My chair is orange and checkered.....

2007-10-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

I sit here in the beautiful new technology building on the JCCC campus, struggling through Thomas Babington Macaulay's Letter on Democracy while lecturing myself on the importance of straightening my priorities, then inwardly sigh at the certain doom of my presentation of previously mentioned letter.

Barq's root beer is really only good for the first five minutes after you open it. Once it loses it's coldness, it's pretty much disgusting. Peanut m&ms, on the other hand, never go bad.

Hamghudabah. The guy refilling the vending machines across the hallway from me just sneezed. And that's the sound he made when he sneezed. Twice. "Hamghudabah!!" "Hamghudabah!!"

Sigh. I'm not sure why I've revived this blog thing.
I think it's probably just because I want a place to put my various rantings and babbling.
Oh well. I'm off to read Macaulay's letter for the fourth time...

2007-01-03T22:13:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

2006-03-30T16:27:00.000-06:00

"An idol is anything or anyone you try and put in God's place in your life. It is when you are looking in any other direction other than God to get what only God can give you."

Oops.
Looks I need to be doing a little rearranging of my priorities....

-Mel

Stealing my life.....?

2005-08-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

My hands hold safely to my dreams
clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
reflecting my heart showing who I am.
Now You’re asking me to show
what I’m holding oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hand can’t let go.
Why does it matter?
Why should I show You?
Why can’t You let me go?

Surrender, surrender.
You whisper gently.
You say I will be free.
I know but can’t You see?
My dreams are me, my dreams are me.
You say You have a plan for me.
and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
what You can do with one that’s committed to Your call.
I know of course what I should do.
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to You,
will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
____________________________________________________
Have you ever felt God's trying to wrench away things you're attached to?

Things you want to happen, plans you have, friendships with people: God changes it all. All as in EVERYTHING.

*sigh*

Why is life so complicated?

Dreams?

2005-07-26T21:19:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had the weird kind of dreams where you're in it, and something bizarre happens, and you think "am I sleeping?" And you pinch yourself, and you don't wake up, so naturally you assume you're awake. Then the dream continues until you suddenly wake up and you're in your bed. Whatever bizarre thing you thought was happening wasn't really, and you can't believe it.

I seem to get those a lot.

I hate it when I remember my dreams. They're always either too weird to think about, scary (as in Toby or Paul or some other random person is trying to kill me), or they mess with your mind so much you can't think straight.

I had a couple of those last night. I woke up feeling confused and totally weirded out beyond belief. I don't think I shall ever recover.

-Melissa

Why must life go on?

2005-07-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how complicated life gets as we get older?

My life used to be care free, simple, and extremely childish and fun.

Then BAM one day you get old, and things and people are never the same again.

*sigh*

I wish we could all go back to the way things used to be.

Things used to be so much more fun and exciting.

Now my mood changes every few minutes, I find it harder to talk to certain people, and everyone's life is a lot busier.

I hate it.

I need a rewind button so I can relive all those fun times I used to have.

I wish I'd at least had the sense to record it.

-Mel